getting feelings off my chest

I wish I didn't self sabotage my relationships. I think I am so afraid of being ignored, hurt, and abandoned that before anyone can do it to me I do it to them. There have been so many friendships I have ruined from this destructive behavior. I wish they would understand that I don't know why I do it, and by the time I realize what I've done it's too late. I wish someone cared enough to see through this wall I've put up and help break it down. Maybe I'm selfish for expecting someone to help me and trust me, and believe me when I say I'm sorry. But I am. I feel so much guilt from my own actions that I stay awake haunted by them. Maybe I'm selfish for thinking someone could look past these things, and maybe I'm selfish for feeling so sorry for myself. I know I'm not the victim in these instances so why can't I act like I know that? It feels lime no matter how many times I say it to myself I can never get my sentiments to come across right. I swear I'm not selfish?