vent

i stayed up late last night, woke up early, had too much coffee, had a great time with my dad and his family. it was the only break ive had in a long time besides the small argument my boyfriend and i got into on the way there, something stupid, avoidable as usual. when we got home last night i went to bed after wayyyyy too much coffee. 

i went to bed and had a horrible dream i woke up in between sleep, tapped boyfriend awake, and asked him to hold me and give me reassurance and it isnt his fault he was tired. he works. i stay home and do basically nothing but college work and even then i should be capable of comforting myself 

well i laid there for a minute after he was too tired and cried and thought about my worth and it occurred to me that my dream was taking control of my thoughts way too much oh well i went back to sleep anyway, back to an even worse dream 

this morning was odd too. 

i presented the thing ive been working on for school today. it went fine, i was nervous, shakier than intended, but i handled it and better than i thought nobody in my life understands that although im an excellent public speaker it takes so much energy out of my heart it just drains me to stand in front of a group and even to raise my voice louder than im used to 

after that i came home and felt sick to my stomach all day thinking of the dream, of the reassurance i asked for, of all the things i need but all the things i dont give to my loved ones. does that mean i dont truly love them at all?

i think all i needed today was a magic world where jobs dont exist so that instead of having half of my boyfriend i could have all of him 

a boyfriend that doesnt have to spend 90% of his energy on work to provide for us while im in college, a boyfriend that gives me 50% instead of his 10% and i cant say that because since he works for us, to take care of us, he feels that he gives me his 100% just... i mean this is stupid because he does give his 100%... for me it doesnt feel like it because what good is money if i dont have comfort? 

and maybe i just needed (or wanted) to be that girl in that stupid shitty fanfiction that i read when i was a little girl where the guy pulled her onto his lap, held her, let her cry, and charmed her in an endearing melancholy way. maybe all i needed was kisses on my cheeks, a compliment, and a sweet smile. 

but this economy doesnt allow me to have my cake and eat it too so there's no point in dreaming that my prince charming can have the energy for me and make my dreams come true 

what was the point of all those stories of princesses? to beat it into my head that an idea is possible just for the adult world to shatter that in front of me all at once? 10 year old me would be so disappointed and not for the reason she thinks. wtf is life