Relations

I don't exactly like, my current outlook on relationships. Friendships specifically. When determining who is close to me and who is not. Determining how much I should limit myself too when I'm around people. I can find myself indulging in pessimistic thoughts sometimes honestly. Currently I'm not in a proper situation where I can actively seek out in person connections with others. I'm always iffy about who I open myself up too. And the few times I do those pessimistic thoughts come in. "They're probably tired of you.", "you don't belong here", "Don't try to inch your way into where you don't belong", "Don't talk to them you'll annoy them" "they don't actually want to talk to you." In no way to I lay the burden of these thoughts on others. Other people are not obligated to accommodate for these feelings and thoughts of mine.

I am doing better than I was before. I truthfully want to interact sparingly. I don't want to needlessly sink myself in still. Besides the pessimistic thoughts, it requires a lot of effort from me personally to socialize. I don't like to do so needlessly, but that's just how I do things. I don't know my brain gets comfortable in different ways. It's a little complicated for me to describe tbh. Like I'm not that talkative irl either, but I still enjoy certain people's company even if I rarely speak. I do enjoy people in in person events. Albeit not constantly. Maybe it's just my distaste for solely online connections. I'm aware it's all real people on the other end of most screens, but it still feels off. Maybe it's the mask the most hold up on their face. This has just been weighing on my mind. Online friends don't generally last too long for most right? I feel like putting effort into them is pointless, but at the same time I don't know who's on the other side of the screen. Like we don't see each other, we know it's another person, but are we treating it as another breathing person and not just an addition to our device?

This has been weighing on my mind. Mainly I have these thoughts over years of using discord and struggling to pick up on social cues. I'm rambling really. But I feel the Internet has ingrained some unrealistic standards of humanity. It's as if we've grown sympathy while simultaneously lacking it. It's easier to spew words both bitter and sweet across a screen. How much has the Internet warped our, mine included, sense of reality? Having others constantly look at your every move warping their own version of a story off the crumbs that see and labeling it the truth. I'm guilty of it too. I want to limit myself for my own good. Writing these blogs have been a way for me to get my thoughts out. Again these are just my thoughts that have been weighing on me as I've been somewhat chained to it as a means to fulfill certain needs to interact with others. Is it something I'm proud of? No. 

Like I said, I'm not in the position where I can go physically meet people for reasons I won't go into details about to on here. But it's just so jarring to me. I don't think it's healthy for teens as well for the most part. I mean there's some good, connecting with others of course. But speaking from my own experiences, living life off Internet morality can only get you so far. I'm not saying this as a set and stone thing for everyone, but a certain group, certain individuals. It's so easy to put up a mask and say your piece even if you aren't an Internet troll. Ugh, human connection, half ahh standards, it's all so tiring man. I want to learn as many skills as possible to live without relying on the internet. Random, but if the internet went out for the rest of eternity would you be able to live and survive without it? I want to say I can. I want to live for myself and the people who actually care about me like my family. I want to unlearn a lot of these Internet habits. Probably pick up a physical diary while I'm at it lol. I need to let a lot of these things go to move forward, because things are gonna start happening and I don't wanna be a dependent statistic.