Vent

It just seems like everyday the voices gets louder, every single thought feels real and it’s scary. I don’t wanna do those disgusting things and I’m scared that I’m gonna get forced to take the pill when I tell the truth about what my brain tells me to do. 

I know that I’m fucked and it’s this disgusting body that makes it hard to keep working. It’s too much, I can’t change the way my immune system works and I definitely can’t change how fucking retarded I am.

I’m convinced that I have some sort of brain damage, I can’t fucking ever be one person. I’m always being someone other than me because the real me feels like I’m not real.

I threw away my life when I got on the internet, even looking at a picture of me from 2018 makes me disappointed and disgusted at myself.

Nobody wants me, I’m ugly, useless and stupid or at least that’s what everyone at school thinks about me.

I can’t say the truth to my counselor because I’m so retarded that I forget about it when I’m around them.

The only person I wanna believe wanted me was my mother but she never got to say how much she really cared about me because I always denied her love and affection when I was younger.

I just always said I knew that she loved me but to tell the truth I actually never knew, it’s just those words felt fake at the time.

I’m a terrible daughter, all I ever do is make my dad more stressed than he already is. I want my mom to see me and teach me how our bodies as women work and to see me as a teenager instead of a child.

If I could I would have remove myself from this world to please everyone from my destructive self but since the social norm is “don’t let anyone commit suicide” I can’t. 

I’m just living to rot now, I can’t learn from my mistakes and so all I can say is sorry and hope people understand that I can’t change my life and how terrible and unlucky it is or how I can’t change myself.

My real name is just a insult now and so I call myself other names that are far from any connection to my real name.

I’m sorry for venting, I needed to get this outta my chest somehow.

Also, when I say retarded I’m not trying to be offensive it’s just that that’s the word people call me at school usually.