can this year get any worse?

dude. this year has seriously been the fuckin WORST.

i don't think we're doing christmas this year.

FUCK. 

okay i get it i'm a grown ass [REDACTED] but i'm a grown ass [REDACTED] that likes getting presents on fuckin christmas. CHRISTMAS IS 15 DAYS AWAY AND WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A TREE UP. it's like it's not even december. i've been reliving the same miserable day every day. months and days of the week don't even have names anymore. everything is the GOD DAMN SAME. AND I WAS HOPING THAT MAYBE SOME HOLLY JOLLY CHRISTMAS SPIRIT WOULD HELP. BUT NOPE. WE'RE TOO POOR TO CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR.

F U C K.

NOW IT'S GONNA BE JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER MISERABLE FUCKIN DAY I'VE HAD THIS YEAR. 

i am assuming.lol. maybe something will turn around. but honestly, i don't think it will. i think this christmas is gonna suck, just like every other day this year has for me. i am so unbelievably pissed off about this. because i can't get a fucking win at all. i've been miserable all fucking year and this is what i get? NO CHRISTMAS? AM I ALLOWED TO HAVE FUN? IS THAT ILLEGAL?

ughhh.

i really wanna leave this damn house. i'm so goddamn trapped in here. around the same people every day of my fucking life. every second. no one will fuckin hire me i can't even get a fuckin job to get out. i just wanna leave. whatever no christmas still depressed i don't care. i just want to fucking move OUT.

i CAN'T stay a sheltered hermit. i am so over this fucking life. i'm so bored and i feel like my life has no meaning. i've become a full on nihilist and NOT BY CHOICE. my brain has just been absorbed by these beliefs and now i feel so dead inside. and not in the funny way but in the serious way. it's almost like my body is devoid of emotion. i don't like being an emotionless nihilist corpse, but i can't be anyone else here. i can't find joy in my current life, and there is no way out because i'm broke and can't leave. i'm so miserable. i write these things everyday and of course nothing has changed. i bought the self help books. i read em. i do the stupid shit it tells me to do but i don't believe it. my depression is too bad to believe any positive affirmation or hopeful quote. they all sound like lies to me and they just piss me off.

ugh. and all do is THIS. because i have no friends, i talk to my journal and this stupid fucking blog only to eventually hide my entries because they're too depressing and i feel like a fuckin moron being openly sad online like this because it's fucking stupid.

my dream is to fall so in love with someone that i move in with them and completely ditch my old life. abandon my social media, change my name, hell maybe get fucking TOP SURGERY HELL YEAH. and some braces or sum my jaw is hella misaligned and my teeth are kinda really fucked. and i'll work at a cafe and i won't need to make money off my art, i can just enjoy making whatever i want as a hobby and not worry about pleasing any faceless strangers for likes and comments. i could just. exist. and be fine. maybe even happy? all that sounds lovely, doesn't it? but it's just a dream and it's completely out of my reach. it hurts so much.

i can't fall in love. especially not here. i live in a fuckin small ass piece of shit area with a bunch of country white people that probably voted for trump. i don't wanna fuckin live here at all. i don't wanna just leave this house, i wanna leave this fuckin STATE. i wanna be far away and leave everything behind. i just wanna be someone else.

WHAT THE FUCK DOES ANY OF THAT HAVE TO DO WITH CHRISTMAS??????????

well, nothing. i am just really sad, so no matter what i talk about the sadness will creep in.

i didn't feel like doin the whole mood time whatever thing because my current format is kinda ugly. so i gotta change that i guess.