(2) Qiu Miaojin's Last Words from Montmartre (Letters 12-18)

• Zoe's genderless(?) representation was a bit disappointing I knew there would be mentions of exploring gender in the book and I got excited but it was mid as hell!!! it was just about exploring "maleness" in terms of sexual chemistry and desires with partners...ummm....i mean i guess it makes sense that thats the only context its in bc this whole book is about the narrator moping over xu but idkkk...idk what i was expecting but it was a bit mid and also rlly short :P
• uhh not much else besides thatt

Excerpts

• One of the most ringing excepts from today's read! Hes so right and hes so real
• or idk...its just a comforting explanation for my relationship with my own sexuality...I said it was disappointing before that Zoe's gender exploration was only based on their sexuality, but tbh maybe that is most if not all of what is there to it.
  
  For me, it's mostly repulsive to think of dating a guy because I think it would tone down the masculinity in my gender...like im trying to keep a balance subconsciously between femininity and masculinity to keep my "non-binary"ness (more loosely compared to before, bc it gets to nowhere if you get too keen) but I always feel like I have to lean more heavy masc to seem more legitimately nonbinary since im AFAB. I think it's the socialization from my AFABness that creates the foundations of my sexuality.
  
  Urgghhg...I don't have any irl examples unfortunately but ermmm ig my celebrity crushes would be good examples of what I want maybe?? Norman Reedus and Mads Mikkelsen and Hugh Jackman🤤🤤🤤🤤 They are very ideal forms of masculinity within the feminine gaze...and I was kind of ashamed of it before that they were all like this so I would try to balance it out by also fitting in some kpop girl group biases loll..........It's more of a very recent thing where I felt attraction towards women, and even did it's only limited to masculine women still.
  
  I'm more receptive to who I have spiritual connections with, but my sexuality has been moreorless limited in scope...it's shameful bc I wish I could just love women entirely including their body, but idk. (By women i mean more in a symbolic way) Maybe I just did too many gesture drawings to the point where I just desensitized myself to female bodies. But it's not like I see a naked male body and go like omggg >/////< like idgaf 
  
  Um anyways so on that note this excerpt was really comforting. Like it's way more easier to think about it that way in that physical desires and spiritual desires are separate.
  
  BUT there was also a part in the book from yesterday's reading (which I didn't take a screenshot of) where the narrator had a slightly different interpretation of how physical desires connect to spritual desires. The explanation was that they are connected, and that once spritual desires click the physical desires click in too. This is hard to imagine bc my ass has not dated anyone!!!!! But I really want to believe in this experience because its like...literally such a perfect explanation for what pansexual is supposed to be like.
  
  But I think all of this wouldn't matter that much when i actually find someone I like bc i'll be busy being happy (and hopefully wont be insecure about this whole thing)
  
  

• Mainly just thought this was funny...rejection was so bad girlie started questioning their gender...
• but its also a very possible, and real way of coping
• This was just really creative and real. I feel like this is definitely a detail that must come from Qiu herself because there's no way someone could just imagine this very specific feeling
• Gender is fluid. This makes me think about what someone said in an article I read?? I don't remember who it was but it might be Judith Butler? It was a quote that was similar to something like "Gender is constantly changing. The gender of a 12 year old girl and a 40 year old woman is different" and I was like yeah! this is so real. I never thought about it that way
• It's interesting to think about these subtle changes that imapct our identity in the moment though

• One of the parts that I think that makes up the identity and spirit of the book
• I also strongly believe this message comes from within Qiu as she was contemplating suicide
• I see bits of Qiu in the whole book because it just feels so raw to be made up. It makes me sad, and also inspired.