december 9. 2024

calm. happy. loved.  i am normal and had someone really bad on me. im ok.

im gonna try to practice some more ojibwe today. its really hard bc limited resources and its really hard mentally to even think abt it. i wish things were different.

i sat down to eat a classic rez breakfast and just realized i miss knowing who i am and having myself. i even looked and im drinking out of my mug from an ojibwe artist. its nice that ppl know we exist now but its really hard to be this kind of person. im not dark enough for the poc around me. i dont speak my language like they do. traditional recipes dont exist like it does for them. they know ppl in their culture and talking abt their culture w those ppl doesnt feel weird and awkward.

for my people they arent darker than me often, they dont speak the language anymore than i do. they eat worse food than me and takeout constantly. i dont know how i fit in. im tired of feeling like a coin sorted into the wrong spot and like im abandoning my culture for whiteness when really the white is what took it all away in the first place.

i couldnt have even stayed in it if i wanted to. im glad i was strong enough to leave an incredibly dangerous abusive situation at any cost. its not something i should have had to do :(