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Got to read a good chunk today! I'm exactly at the halfway point now with only 10 letters left to read :D
I wish I could savor the book more in more chunks on separate days now that I've gotten into it because it's really nice urggjrg but I have to finish reading it by tomorrow or early Wednesday so I can finish making my presentation
Notes so far...
- SOME PARTS ARE SO CRINGE TO READ!! like not like cringe cringe but its just like...like the really obsessive parts just seem so delusional and raw that gives me the ick but I guess that's the point. It's supposed to read like someone's angsty journal :p
- Faith, passion, love! It's probably because it's something that I'm looking for in my life too but really passionate pieces of work really ring something inside of me. The narrator is clearly so passionately and unconditionally loving, forgiving, and hating towards Xu, but they also share that passion with their academics and friends. They go to meetings, walk along the streets of Paris, soak in their favorite professor's lectures, watch films from their favorite director, etc.
Like yeah the life and emotional landscape portrayed in the letters is overall really dark with the obsession with Xu and suicidal undertones but the slivers of passionate daily life that peeks through make me emotional. It also makes the narrator feel more real (which probably partially is because the narrator is also partially the author).
Initially, the soapy writing felt really superficial and there are some parts that still feel that way, but it's the repetition and dark, rottish way with words that makes the passion feel so passion. Like obviously genuine love doesn't need to be toxic and so obsessive and sticky but you REALLY know they're being fr when they're up to that point. Just the pure spirit and fire in the narrator in general is very touching - Really pretty and endearing but hard to relate...ggrjhrgg I wish I could though...But I have never been to france, never been this down bad, never been this lovesick, never been this suicidal, never been so forgiving, never been so passionate, etc...I mean maybe I don't want to relate to it though bc this seems pretty unhealthy lol...
Favorite Snipbits
- This was the point where the narrator's love and hate found some kind of conclusion, final form
- Before, they hated Xu so bad for all the pain she has caused but now they are able to accept it because they love her that much
- I know it won't happen but I wish Yong and the narrator came together
- They both clearly care for each other so much uhhgghh I hate doomed yuri brah
Another random snipbit I liked...But I separated it into another section
Ok...so maybe this isn't all that special and Qiu writing this here wasn't the most revolutionary thing ever but this meant a lot to me when I read it in the moment
recently I had a convo (actually it wasn't even really a conversation because it was like 2 DMs that were exchanged LOL) about how the term lesbian feels so stigmitized to give to yourself. Like I know women can also use the term gay but it's also like "what about the term lesbian then?" and all of that...there must have been a time where gay felt as equally awkward as the term lesbian its just that its been thrown around so much now that it feels so normal and casual to be like oh hes gay oh shes gay whatever etc...But lesbian is like...idk...even for media its like...I just call them yuri or wlw but never smth like "fictional lesbian literature/characters" like it just feels weird and awkward. It's the elephant in a room kind of situation.
I feel like the definition of the term might be fitting for me but I am, at least at the present time, not ready to start labeling myself that. Also, idk how things might actually turn out in the future w dating. I think I keep seeing myself in the context of lesbian bc thats the type of media ive been surrounding myself with gguugh....
When Qiu wrote "The word 'lesbian' is a term that is really only meaningful in political contexts" it really rang this comforting bell inside me though. Like she's right. In the end it's who tf cares...and I think my conception of the "lesbian" relationship I would be in is like...a more specific subset. Like it's not just the lesbian part that defines it because the term only defines a few minor details and implications of a relationship rather than the whole thing. Like how toxic yuri is a subset of yuri 🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪 what I mean through all of this is that sexuality is complex at the end of the day, and that you don't shouldn't try to look for yourself in labels; It should be the other way around.
Lesbian and transgender are such stinging terms to label yourself with though ugh...They're so politically charged...Do you think both of them could also be "casualized" in the same way "gay" has become???
That is the end of my first set of notes and thoughts...There's obviously more things I thought about too since this was for half the book but im so tired and want to head to bed
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