im so tired

tonight ive been trying to join random discord servers to socialise but its all shitttt i cannot do this to myself. whats the pooiittntntnttnt. i have no possible way of finding love how hopeless. and theres no point in getting an online gf or bf bc thats cring aaand i want to touch them and admire their face. i feel so alone. i have two friends who are really real. theyre my best friends. i love them. i yearn for meaningful relationships

urrrm also i keep thinking this and (these blogs arent anyones concern!!!!!!) but everytime my parents found out i cut or did something risky thheyd call me ungrateful or a brat which is like yeah true that HOWEVER it wasnt my ungratefulness that drove me... it was my emotions!!!!! why cant anyone understand that im only depressed because of stuff that CANNOT change. i am depressed because when you unearth all of my feelings deep down they all come back to the fact that im tired. im 14 and edgy but this cant, wont and will never change, ill be 27 and still be a fucking edgelord because the world keeps spinning. and you keep finding things to fill the void. new stresses. new religion, new music, new knowledge. the thing that drove me to the roof on that fateful day was the fact that i needed to escape the simulation. i  was so tired of doing the same monotonous, robotic shit everyday that i just had to stop it. im not ungrateful and i appreciate everything thats been given to me on a silver platter but can everyone look at their lives. 

are you happy?????????????????????????????????????????????

??????

i hope i die because its probably more peaceful.

you cant solve depression but you can fill it up with things that make you feel ok and stress yourself out so much with little exams that you dont have time to worry about your existence. but ill always catch myself wondering if humanity coulve been better than this. i dont want to grow up and live like a robot. i wanna do drugs and have fun but its ok. ill study and make the best out of my future because its what my parents want.

if i died the world keeps spinning and nobody would bother to ask where i went... except her!!!!

thats why shes my only real friend...........................!!!!!!!!!!!!

i was gone for 2 fucking weeks and nobody real gave a gaf. but its ok  wouldnt care either.

ig whe my phone got taken for 3 months some people cared but after the first time nobody really gaf. anyway tomorrow i go to school i come back i go to a club i study i sleep and i go to school i go home i go to club i study i sleep i go to school i come back i rest i sleep i go to school i go home i go to club i go sleep i go to school i go home i rest i sleep. and the cycle repeats. 

im so tired but things are better now.