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— lowk a vent ummmmmm dont look at this too hard.
this was recently brought up by me listening to my favorite one-album-wonder dazey and the scouts's and my 3rd favorite track -- Sweet Cis Teen. genuinely i wish there was something out there that can just tell you what you are.Â
im not uncomfy being a girl ofc, ive been a girl since i was born. but it feels like me being a girl is solely based on the fact that i like cute clothes & how my body was made. i dont feel stuff like girlhood and what embodies it. but i also think that might just be because of my situation.
i dont have a strong desire to be a guy, but i feel like i'd like to transition to being a guy. but i feel like i only feel like that because i see other ftm guys living happily in their gender and i want that too.Â
i think ive mentioned i do roleplay, and all my characters end up being portrayed as a transfem dude because that headspace is genuinely something thats comforting to me. but im not sure i want to be a guy, i just want to be something other than a girl but still pretty like a girl.
but when i do, i feel like a poser because i very much COULD be a girl. if i were to live the rest of my life like this, i wouldnt be sad. but i feel like i would mourn not being something else.
i go by she/they/it but i feel like i would do better with either no gender or as a guy who likes dressing as a girl. i would love to live like that actually but is there a way that you can be a poser when it comes to gender? because that's exactly what i feel like and i feel a little happier when thinking of myself as a pretty guy who uses she/her.
i also love being a lesbian so liketheres that. i cant be a lesbian if im not a girl.Â
anyways, stream dazey & the scouts i didnt get them on my spotify wrapped as high as i thought and i was PISSED im literally number one fan.wtf !
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casserole!!
From one abstract gender lesbian whose name is Cassie to another: in short, your gender is whatever you want it to be. It's a social construct, there's no right or wrong way to do it and it's completely okay to explore something else and decide hmm, not for me. The point is that you explore at your pace.
In long? Well. Let's start with an anecdote.
Being a girl is something I've grappled with for a long time. I was raised as one because I "have the body of one" and while I love cute stuff, wearing feminine clothing, etc. Having femininity forced on me made me resent being a girl. I didn't feel like one. I was a tomboy growing up and have never had female friends! I didn't feel girlhood either. It wasn't until I met transfems, drag queens and feminine guys when I started to reclaim what being a girl meant to me; repairing my personal relationship with the femininity I was assigned. Before meeting these people, I lived as a guy!
I'm happy being called a girl, living as one, being seen as one, etc. But the joy I feel when my nephews call me Uncle [masculine name I made my family use for me]? Unmatched. I'm a bit of everything when it comes to gender ultimately.
So, what am I trying to say here?
Girlhood is something you get to define for yourself. If that means being a pretty guy that uses she/her, then rock on!!! You get to define your relationship with gender, and when you cultivate your expression of it to match how you feel/"look" internally, that's when gender happiness is reached. You'll find it a little more everyday. "I would love to live like that," and you can. You can live like that. Whatever "that" is for you, I'm telling you!! you can do it!!
Also, let me tell you, cross-dressing does exist. You can be a girl whose a guy whose a girl if you want. And lemme bring up butch lesbians for a sec too: some butch lesbians don't consider themselves girls. Some call themselves men or use he/him, and they're still lesbian. I hope maybe that information can be of comfort because I Get It, sexuality and gender mesh together in weird ways but, hey! that's the queer experience. Maybe being butch isn't your alley and that's okay, I only bring it up to point out that decades old lesbians who are also dudes do exist.
Apologies for this being!!! If this is unhelpful/ or annoying feel free to delete it!! no harm, no foul!!
being so long** augh typos
by casserole!!; ; Report
IM SORRYTHAT IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO REPLY TO THIS, i felt so validated by this i genuinely cried 4 a while which is kind of embarrassing to admit but i rlly needed it so first of all, thank you for being so sweet tome with this -- i was genuinely grappling with this and for some reason i felt and kinda still feel under the impression that i wasnt allowed to do such things.
i decided to talkwith my friends, mull over it, and im gonna take it slow by shifting tomore masculine things and seeing how much i like going by she/her & just shifting how i do things a little!! me & ruth even started looking at more masculine names that fit me more so like IM SUPER HAPPY.
this was not annoying at all i think i needed to be told all this, nd i seriously thank you from the bottom of my heart! i know its only been a few hours since i saw this so iim not sure if this happiness will continue but i know rn it doesnt seem fading.
imnot sure how much gratefulness my words can properly convey but i hope u can tell that thiswas moving mountains in my brain .TYSM :((
by amae‪‪; ; Report
NO NEED TO APOLOGIZE!!! I'm glad I could share to you some validation!! That grappling feeling will linger cause, yk, many are raised being told gender is such a specific thing and that it has to be done certain ways. The feeling that you're doing something "you're not allowed to" definitely doesn't disappear in a day, but the happiness you'll grow from pursuing who you are WILL shine above it.
I'm so freaking YAYYYY for you that you talking to your friends about it too!!! Legit, talking gender with the homies is how I found myself. Explore, be curious and find that stuff that resonates, even if just for a moment!! Nothing impermanent is insignificant yk? Have fun with it!!
And thank you for sharing your thoughts and braving through the embarrassment that comes with vulnerability on this strange little web!! Rooting for you dude!!!
by casserole!!; ; Report