im too young to go to college

I feel being a high schooler is different once you experience it.

I feel too young to go to college. I still feel the wild, naïve spirit in me with my friends. I feel like a child somewhat. Maybe people around me have noticeable makeup and cooler rooms than in middle school. And they also spend too much time on tiktok and have a more distinct personal image too. But they are barely a decade and a half old. 16 is such a small number. 

I'm still short like im a child and I still don't understand myself tet. I'm too immature and hypocritical to be anything but a teenager. I'm still silly like a child too. But in about a school-year in a half, i'm going to college. i'll leave my parents and bury myself in debt to work the rest of my life. I'll probably live a cooperate life with ugly dress codes and politeness and professionalism. I can't dance in the streets and twirl when I want to. I can't cuddle next to my parents and sleep in restaurants when i'm tired. I can't be nervous to order things or ask for things anymore either.

So clearly im not ready for that "adult-lifestyle". But I'm too young for the stress of grades in high school. Way too young to get a consistent 4.0 all four years. It feels like I should have more time to join clubs or get a job or learn to drive. That it won't be a year until I am forced to know how to do those things. I'll be forced to follow directions like a real adult and not mess up. And not waste my life away like this, at least. I feel too young to be behind the wheel. Or do any of that.

Maybe it's natural to mentally separate "college" you and "now" you. I imagine her tall, pretty and put together. Ready to know what she wants. But to think this change is under a year, i'm pretty sure I don't see that happening. My room isn't decorated like I want and I don't know how to do makeup. I'm still horribly awkward and can't find myself making more friends. Yet life moves on. I'll go to college whether I feel like I can or not.

It's weird and it's sad. Maybe if I hadn't been depressed 3 years into high school I would've taken it seriously. I took it for granted. It's to be expected though. It sucks that everything is all warped because of it, though. Oh well.