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i've heard an interesting story of a man who trains a mountain climber by dropping him off of a 2000 foot tall ice cliff with nothing but an ice pick and telling him to save himself. he does this repeatedly and with progressive difficulty, such as by saying, "you have to go down headfirst for the first 20 seconds and only in the last 5 seconds can you save yourself." the story is quite idyllic so the climber is able to reorient his body and save himself with barely enough time.
then, when he goes out climbing and traveling across snowy mountains, he's completely confident in everything within his capabilities. he could only die if something completely inescapable were to happen to him.
in many ways i've thrown myself off an icy cliff. now i must learn to catch myself.
for once i'm being challenged past my ability to procrastinate. this past semester has been a lousy excuse of a struggle - in reality, it's more like i had "given up" because i lack the discipline required to force myself to struggle. i tried to fight but internally i've surrendered. i don't have that steel. i never really needed it because i've always been really good at cramming. now there's too much material and too little time for such childish habits.
i'm addicted to the internet. i fucking love the weird, the funny, and the devastating shit i excavate from this manmade world of binary. but it's become a problem. almost like i entered a casino just wanting to get to make friends... now i'm addicted to the games and i have to fight it. it's like that for so many, many things.
i am always tired. usually due to poor decisions and indulgences (e.g., gaming, blogging, etc.). but even worse, i am always ready to give into my exhaustion and let soft static drown my consciousness. such a comfortable feeling. blissful ignorance and a rest from exhaustion... yet i have no time for such things.
i want to live. like, really really live. and i want to get meaningful things done. but never in my life have i really tried or pushed myself for something that i want.
these problems exist because my past self has developed them, crafted them, sculpted them over the years. they weren't always problems, but they are now. i am spontaneous. i am tired. i have no self-control. i love things on the screen. past me chose to be these things by not choosing to be something better.
i've thrown myself off the ice cliff and let myself fall...
an act of inaction.
now i have to catch myself.
- francis t.
"this is the way
dive into your problems
until you understand them as problems
and then find your way out or get lost trying....
let's see what you got"
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Haru_min˚ʚ♡ɞ˚
As someone else said, I can really catch parts and bits of myself in there. This analogy as a whole works very well, and I'll work harder to try and pick myself back up. Habits are kind of hard to build, right now, as it is, but if the determination and passion to change is there, then I think that even things like procrastination and helplessness can be abolished.
ideksofxx
I literally just wrote a blog about this cause i am so tireddddd
You phrased my thoughts perfectly and it makes me so happy when someone can understand. I hope both you and me can get out of this loop as soon as possible :))
(btw also rn i should be studying but i'm once again procastinating)
Jegg
Your writing on this topic really hits home
it's really difficult to get out of this quicksand-like state of having procrastination as a habit :( i struggle with it a lot too but I try to be optimistic about it
On the bright side what I've heard a lot is that going to college makes it easier to get out of this habit since it puts you in a new environment! I think one of the things that enables me to keep this bad habit of procrastinating is because I basically always prefer to stay home outside of school. I have my computer in front of me, I just have to walk a couple steps to get food, I can lay down on my bed if I get tired, etc. At least when you start dorming in college you'll kind of have a fresh start to everything!
Sending you encouragement and hugs :) Good luck to both of us!
i agree that a new space brings with it an opportunity for new routines. however i will likely be staying at home for college because my parents don't want to pay for room and board.
by francis soundworks; ; Report
IAmNotWhatIAM(2009)
I'm too tired to write out an articulated comment but reading some parts of this felt like I was reading about myself- nice blog
thank you !!
by francis soundworks; ; Report