Lamby wants to be authentic

Recently I've realised that I just 

can't be good to everyone all the time 

and 

that 

I should really stop lying 

to myself 

i mean, yeah, i like to think that i am sweet. and nice. 

but if you amplify that to the extreme, some other things get lost.

and it just seems out of place, when I'm not as sweet and nice as I can be. 

I don't know, really, i just

want to be true to myself 

and surround myself 

with people 

who will

love me

in spite of the fact that I can be a little ugly at times 

I just want to. talk to other people and be good at it. I try repeating behaviours. I try looking at what other people do, and do that. I try so so hard to learn all the social cues, to fill in the blanks myself,, but for some reason I'm never really able to respond with what the other person wants to hear.

And for some reason,, feeling like,, 

maybe it's better to just 

not say anything at all

than say

something wrong 

I am, in my soul, not a good person 

but i try so so hard every single day, to not be so horrible 

i try, i try, i try and constantly am wanting to improve 

i try to see why something is wrong, and try to see that it's not an inherent part of me

 i think that's what matters ,, anyway 

And recently,, I think i want to keep saying things, either right or wrong, because who fucking cares actually 

As long as I am able to realise when it's wrong, and attempt my best to right it,, then it doesn't really matter 

everyone is caught up with their own words, it's okay to be akward and bad at talking once in a while.

anyways bye bye