12/06/2024, 4:32AM

recent times havent been all too great, what with the election results, bird flu showing up in humans, the genocide in the middle east getting worse, and other things i cant remember right now. the only good thing about right now is i dont have art block and im not on my period, so yay me.

i opened spacehey to talk about my ex again. seems to be something im going to keep bringing up for a while. i dont know when ill stop talking about it, but the time isnt now. so here i am.

i was just minding my business, drawing, watching youtube, when i suddenly felt the urge to check their instagram again. they blocked my main account so i had to use incognito mode to even see their account. creepy alert, but i was just spontaneously curious and wanted to see if they made any new art.

probably a mistake though, since their most recent post was them and the guy they left me for, sitting on some horses (my ex is a big horse fan, one of their theriotypes is a horse)

its kind of funny, we dont even talk anymore but i just have so much shit left over in my brain. all the stuff they left behind. how much they love peanut butter, their theriotype being a paint horse, the names of their plushies, the interworkings of their family. i wish i could get rid of it all. its just junk that takes up space where useful things could go, like how to properly light a fire, or identifying wild mushrooms. 

but anyways, tangent aside, i saw the picture and they looked so happy together. and it made me realize how lonely i really am, and how much i yearn for companionship. im not interested in a romantic relationship, i just want to have a really close friend that i hang out with all the time, that understands me, that truly respects me, that likes the things i like, or likes things that i can learn to like. like horses.

i was terrified of horses because ive heard a lot of stories about people being injured around them, namely my uncle who had his head kicked in when he was a child. not to mention, horses are just very big and strong animals, and they have giant teeth, so they always scared me. but, when me and my ex started dating, horses stopped being so scary because they reminded me of someone i loved. im still kind of scared of horses, but only if theyre really close up. 

anyways.

i just find it so hard to really connect with anyone the way me and my ex did. it used to be easier, but now it feels so hard. ive built up so many fears, so many walls. ive gotten more anxious about people, ive gotten more depressed and neurotic because i just isolate myself all the time. because of my ex. because my ex instilled a fear in me that, no matter how hard i love someone or how hard they love me, it is always conditional. someone could tell me theyre never going to abandon me, that they love me very much, that they care about me, and i wouldnt believe them. the voice in my brain would say to me "yeah. until you dont. until i do something you dont like. until im not as perfect as you think i am."

so, whenever i meet someone, i am always waiting for it to end. every new friend i make, on minecraft, on discord, on roblox, on anywhere, it doesnt matter how much we relate or how many things we have in common, or how much we like each other, it always slowly dissipates. so i never fully attach to people, because i know its coming. and it hurts less if im anticipating it.

i hold everyone at arms length because im afraid to let them in close. because ive done it before, and it always ended up traumatizing me and rewiring my brain. it happened when i was 4, it happened when i was 8, it happened when i was 13, it happened when i was 18. its one misfortune after another. nobody ever stays.

and it just leads me to believe that its all my fault. that ive done something wrong, that theres something inherently wrong with me that repels people. and it doesnt feel like im a person, it feels like i am an alien in a person skin. like i dont belong here with everyone else, because it feels so lonely.

there are small connections that i make with people, and i cherish them. but they arent substantial. theyre all only people i know the names of, and what kind of jokes i can say to make them laugh. theyre not friends, theyre just people i slightly get along with. and its never enough.

i just want someone that really knows me to keep me company. i want someone.