rambling, volume six <3

ok so fun fact abt me - im in an orchestra. yea it was a program on campus and i joined bc loads of essays and exams aren’t enough pressure for me apparently. so there’s some context ig! 

another fun fact is that my fp happens to be in the orchestra too!!! no i didn’t join just bc they were in? i genuinely didn’t know. they play bass and i play cello, and honest to god i regret not choosing to play cello bc it would’ve let me spend more time with them… then again i joined like a year ago and i was annoying as hell in 2023. so maybe that’s a terrible idea. but anyway we had a concert today so i was like- spending a little more time with them then i usually would! but by that i don’t mean “talking and bonding with them”, i mean we were just in the same room. but yknow what? that didn’t fucking matter bc THEY DIDNT EVEN SAY HI. THEY DIDNT ACKNOWLEDGE MY PRESENCE. THE MOST I GOT WAS ONE TIME WHERE THEY GLANCED AT ME FOR A SPLIT SEVOND. i tried my hardest to make myself noticeable so MAYBE- JUST MAYBE- i’d be worth their attention. BUT NO!!!! WHY CANT I BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEM. NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY. NO MATTER HOW MUCH I CHANGE ABT MYSELF SO THEY CAN CARE. IT DOESNT MATTER. I DONT MATTER. i’m just a fucking side character to them. what’s funny is most people who experience what i do are friends, OR EVEN PARTNERS, with their fp!! IM NOT!!!!!! WE MET OUR FRESHMAN YEAR AND WERE ON THE VERGE OF BECOMING FRIENDS BUT THEN WE JUST DRIFTED APART. I DONT UNDERSTAND!! WHAT DID I DO WRONG?? WHY DID I LET MYSELF GET SO ATTACHED TO SOMEONE I BARELY KNOW????? ITS TOO FUCKING LATE NOW. I SPEND ALL MY TIME THINKING ABT THEM, THEYRE MY WORLD, THEYRE MY EVERYTHING, AND I HAVENT HAD A FULL CONVERSATION WITH THEM SINCE MAY!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK. 

i don’t know what they triggered and i feel so pathetic abt this. i just want them to talk to me. at the very least i wanna be their friend. i’d fucking KILL to talk to them everyday and be best friends, and invite them to parties, and have sleepovers, all that shit. i wish i was their best friend so badly, and tbh i don’t understand why im not?? we like all the same music and fandoms, we have the same problems and declining mental state, we’re both autistic as hell, am i too awkward? or too stupid? what did i do wrong? why am i such an attention seeker?? it doesn’t matter if they don’t give a shit, in the end we’re just two stupid people. and i doubt they feel the same way abt me. because like. i’m a fucking monster. but i would kill myself if it meant they’d care abt me!!!! genuinely care abt me and give me attention!!!! UGH IM SUCH A PATHETIC FUCKING ATTENTION WHORE KILL ME KILL ME 

ok one more thing before i stop writing: i feel like most people are gonna boil this down to a basic ass crush. for starters, i’m not romantically attracted to them??? i don’t think???? it’s purely platonic but like i wouldn’t know i can’t tell the difference. second of all, if you don’t know what fp stands for, it stands for favorite person. please do your own research on it, it’s a very complex topic.