Insane[ly Hot]

So, it's been awhile since I've posted anything. I guess I'll tell yall about this crush I have and how I went a tad crazy recently. No one reads these anyway. I fear I am just crazy tho.

So there's this Really Cool, Creative, and Incredibly Hot person I have a giant crush on. I try to be friendly, make conversation without being too weird, just be casual I guess. They will occasionally engage with me, although it's never anything too deep, just surface level. Casual. Sometimes I wonder if they're playing hard to get because it's only ever sometimes and often they'll indicate they've seen my efforts or my art but not engage with it. Other times i can't tell if they just didn't see or if they didn't like it or don't care. They're a really nice person, but they don't owe me anything. It's a little confusing tho, i can't really tell where I stand with them. I don't want to make them uncomfortable but they also don't say anything about it.  Maybe they see it as a "school girl crush" and are teasing me. Idk. 

Recently though, they showcased some new art. It was really well made and very cool and like right up my alley. It fit my tastes so well, obviously wasnt made for me, but there were parts of it that I initially was like "oh, that's kinda funny, that reminds me of myself a bit. Why did they do it like that?" I tried to be rational and not get overly excited. I told myself no that's not real, you're reading into things. And I was relatively fine, maybe trying to very subtly hint that I had noticed a potential nod, but nothing more than that. But a fool in love is still a fool. 

Eventually they showcased more art, bigger and more subversive. I loved it again of course. I went into it trying to be rational. I knew it was not possible but the parts from the first showcase wouldn't leave me alone. No matter how hard I tried. As I first explored this new art, I again picked up on what seemed to be a few hints or nods to me. Things that really only I might recognize. I had maybe gave a flirty response thinking I picked up what they put down. A few days later I apologized and acknowledged that that was a silly thing to think. I tried to move on but again, I could not put it from my mind. The coincidences were eerie. Circumstantial, but eerie and a decent number of them. It also relied on them having some kind of reciprocated feelings. They talked a bit about the art but none of it about the parts I was questioning, or barely any detail. It was haunting me. 

At the same time this was happening, the amount of stress in my life was mounting. On all fronts. Work, money, health, personal goals, etc. It was piling up and i was pushing through as usual, unaware of the real toll it was taking. I had started to have poorer sleep, i barely had an appetite (not on purpose, just literally from stress), I started slacking on skin care. I could tell I was manic again, so I went to the clinic and they got me on some meds. But I was afraid they wouldn't listen and put me on the same bad meds again so I maybe held back a little on my psychological symptoms. I kept pushing through, still working full time. Trying to get things done but ultimately incapable of completing tasks. This is getting long, in short things got so bad I eventually had a psychotic break and started getting intense paranoia, auditory hallucinations, and what's called thought broadcasting. I started to think I was in a simulation and needed to break free and somehow my crush was sending me signs and signals on how to do so. I decided I needed to run away and to do so I was going to pull a gone girl style break in. I started the staging and had gone into the bathroom to move to the next steps when I was found and brought to the hospital for help. 

I was so lost that I couldn't tell what was real anymore, i eventually sorted it out but only after taking some meds and talking with a therapist and a psych. Inpatient was a lot of help, it really brought me back to reality. I'm finishing an out patient program rn and I feel a lot more stable. The thing is this thing with my crush and their art, i said some Wild stuff to them. Nothing too crazy but definitely weird and abnormal. I'm waiting to really apologize well. But again idek for sure if they saw. Idk, I just wanna go to their next art show but I hope I didn't ruin that by being weird and a little unhinged. Unhinged isn't new for me, but i have fear.

If you read this far, ur a real one.

Oh to clarify bc i know I said I was worried about bad meds and then how meds helped, I'm on different ones. The Bad Meds completely killed all original thought and made it incredibly hard to think beyond what am I doing rn in the most basic sense. Chemical lobotomy if you will. These new ones are a lot better and I still feel like myself but sane now. Maybe posting this is insane but whatever. Like the title says, I'm Hot as hell but Insane. Insane[ly Hot]