how bad do you want it?

i did not get into a fight and i was not indisposed, but i was there: thinking to myself why i had to act so stupidly. 

i had money, that was not the problem. but i had no drive to go after it. the bus just kept going away and me, well i was there.

it was so close. i mean, i was so close to get it. only if i ran, caring a shit about what other people might think i couldve taken it. but I didn't. 

why?

i wanted to take it. i needed it. theres no discussion on that

but i was not willing to take the risk and look like a fool if i didnt make it.

that was the price that money couldn't be used for.

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i think ive been living life this way, im afraid of taking risks. im afraid of living. i hate my self for being this way. but even more for saying it and still not doing anything to change it. but this time im serious.

i wont miss my bus again

The essence of life is change, a panoply of growth and decay. Elect life and growth, and you elect change and the prospect of death. A likely determinant for the isolated, nar-row life of the woman described was an experience or series of experiences with death which she found so painful that she was determined never to experience death again, even at the cost of living. In avoiding the experience of death she had to avoid growth and change. She elected a life of sameness free from the new, the unexpected, a living death, without risk or challenge.