being sad over my old friend group

I think it's been a little over 2 years now that a core member (#1) of my 3-person friend group has dropped online activity. The other person (#2) in the 3-person friend group I don't really talk or hang out with anymore since #1's exit. Subsequently, the friend group doesn't necessarily exist anymore (i.e., it's dead). I'll refer to this og friend group as GFTHQ.

(This is a secret between you and I, but I can see #1's activity on their Steam profile so I'm glad to know they're alive and still gaming! The most that I reach out is to wish them a happy birthday, and the 3-year streak is gonna hit soon.)

I'm writing this because I'm on day 2 of re-reading our old chatlogs by visiting a random date or searching up some random keyword (the three of us are actually really funny, haha), and I wanted to write about my feelings. In lieu of GFTHQ's separation and inactivity, I picked up Maplestory to fill in the social gap and I joined a guild and made new "friends". However, since my dwindling activity on Maplestory, our conversations and relatability have tapered off. With the removal of Maplestory from my life came Throne and Liberty, and the same events have transpired -- although, with the emotional investment of two months as opposed to one year.

The "friendships" I developed with people from Maplestory and Throne and Liberty were/are shallow, because it was the game that connected us, not mutual interest in the other. I think I've only actually made 1 friend who I still keep in contact with from my time in Maplestory; we bonded over queerness and all those alternative topics/identities -- now we play ARAMs in League of Legends.

Thus, at the moment, I don't particularly have any close-close friends. I make this distinction because I am still close with my K-12 friends whom I was in school with for at least 4 years and at most 10 years (I don't mean to disregard my friendship with them). #1 fell into the 10 years category, so you could see why I'm still grieving our separation; they are also someone whom I considered to be my close-close friend along with #2.

(The difficulty I've had with making friends is finding people both with similar interests and personalities. Gaming relatability was difficult in school, because the boy-est of boys would be the ones who were the largest pool (Call of Duty, NBA2K, GTA) (yuck!), and they didn't share the type of character that I found appealing in gamers (boy-ishness!!!), and there weren't even that many. It was basically just #1 and #2 who matched me.)

It's just that I don't really have that go-to group to spill my thoughts and ideas to anymore like I have been for like the past 4 years with GFTHQ. I don't feel as comfortable in the spaces I've been around as I have been with GFTHQ. In one of our last voice-calls in GFTHQ, #2 said that they thought that they weren't gonna have any more friends for the foreseeable future and that it might just be the 3 of us for god-knows-how-long. I thought so, too.

I've had chronic feelings of loneliness for as long as I can remember, but I've always had people around me to talk to and share those feelings with. But, these past two years have been particularly lonely, I suppose. #1 and #2 were there for my graduate school acceptance letter, but my grad school adventure was largely by "myself". Quotes because I still found people to socialize with sometimes, but they were never people I felt like I could be fully/truly myself around. Depth and closeness comes with time -- it's hard to feel that way with others when the comparison were your friends from elementary and middle school. I miss them...

(This isn't to imply I'm rejecting every person I meet 'cause they can't compare to GFTHQ. I love socializing! I'm super interested in making meaningful connections.)

So, this week, I've been waiting for the release of Path of Exile 2 and have slowly written myself out of my guildies' day-to-day conversations in Throne and Liberty. I've never considered myself to be friends-less since proximity to students in K-12 and college always put me around people, but since I don't have a solid friend group anymore, nor any social space where I feel fully seen, nor that environment where I'm constantly around other people, I'm kind of just adrift in the cyberspace. I kind of have no friends! Friends in the way that I described "close-close friends". I... know people, but I don't feel belonging anywhere.

One particular thing I've noticed is that I don't really talk! #selectivemutism but lemme tell ya I'm a yapper, I speak! Maybe you can tell from reading this by how [v e r b o s e] I can be. These blog posts have become a sort of outlet for my running-thoughts-with-nowhere-to-go. But, without anyone to talk to, I don't really use my vocal chords (aside from singing, of course! I love singing!). I don't know if that's obvious or the same for everyone...

Anyway, I just wanted to express how much I miss my two friends and acknowledge that I'm currently by myself -- a l o n e -- mostly talking to the digital wall. People may argue that I have trouble socializing, but rather, I think I have trouble with developing closeness, because my past guildies think I'm cool B) and they liked me B) -- i just never really felt close with anyone or that anything we discussed had any emotional weight ever #rewritinghistory. I'm generalizing a lot of stuff, but that's the GENERAL feel/gist.

Additionally, I am actually doing Just Okay. These thoughts about loneliness have long since haunted me and I've ruminated over the absence of my foundational social circle for a long while nyeow. It's just how it is. I still appreciate the social interactions I have and enjoy the time I spend with others. I just wanted to make a space for GFTHQ since these feelings have been in my mind-soup for forever.