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So this is it, my final entry (unless I want to continue doing this, instead of writing in my non- existent diary). (or unless I get like really famous because of my blog) (life is kinda funny like that).
I feel like lately I don't have a lot to say, which is weird because I'm always overthinking . Maybe it is because I realized that I talk too much.That I give my energy to people that don't give it back. That I need to be less of myself so I'm more "digestible" and easy to swallow. Some people say that I'm so interesting and funny and whatnot but I don't really think that. It doesn't matter how many people say nice things about me I will always think that they are lying or exaggerating or maybe they got paid to say that.
Ah.. I just feel like I always have to act.. like I have to put on this front so people don't get bored of me or leave me.
Jesus Christ this is such a bleak blog post. I just. I just. I just have been feeling down lately and when I turn in all of my final assignments I want to sleep and sleep and sleep and maybe hibernate. Kinda like that one book "My Year of Rest and Relaxation". But I can't sleep my life away even though I wish I could.
I've been a less "kiki" version of myself for the past few days and no one has really noticed. Not even my roommate (also one of my best friends). It just makes me think that I'm truly alone, because no one really cares, only YOU can care about yourself.
Ahh Sheeraz if you are reading this don't worry, I probably just have to dye my hair again to feel like myself again. Wait what if I shave my head. No. I would look like a boiled egg and my family will stop talking to me. Ahhhhh life is so hard.
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Simon
A lot of times I feel like I am myself too much as well. I have like only 3 friends that I know would actually like to listen to what I say and the rest only like certain aspects of me.
I came to realize this around my sophomore year and it honestly hurt me a lot. It took an entire year until I joined my high schools theater program and I found people who like to hear me talk about the things I like bucare they might know about it or just enjoy hearing about it.
Now I feel like I have a different personality for different people I talk to and I hate it. I wish that I could talk about everything to all my friends but that is just not possible because they don't want to hear about it.
Also it is ok to only have yourself and personally I use my blog to post my writing and not many people I know actively want to hear about what I write about and maybe you can do the same thing with your interests if no one likes to hear about what you say, because there are people out there who are online.
Hi, so sorry that it took me like 5 months to answer back, I was busy with college and thesis and graduating and all that shit, I guess now I'm just an unemployed mf. (you probably dont even care about this, at this point i'm just rambling)
Even 5 months later, your reply is still so... relatable to me. I thought maybe I would change, but I think that this loneliness will follow us forever, it doesn't matter how much time passes.
And same, I wish I could be the same for every friend, but I know they will leave me if I stop being the version of me they like. I started confiding a bit more into my friends but... it's not even surface level. I just think that they knowing will just... be sad and who wants to hear that.
Is it really okay to only have ourselves? I think to do that I have to actually like myself. Which is hard. I know online friends are really nice but at the same time... they are not here. I feel so lonely and I am surrounded by people.
by Kiki (ﾉ´ヮ`)ﾉ*: ･ﾟ; ; Report