2) evening checkup: falling behind and hell (catholicism)

hello hello,

a variety of thoughts present themself to me. i chew them up and spit out words like how a bird might feed its young. you nonexistent readers are those chicks who eat something which does not quite resemble my thoughts in appearance, but tastes quite similar. one could say i am my only reader, thus regurgitating and re-digesting my own thoughts by writing them like this.

anyways,

i had a 1 week break and i didn't accomplish most of what i set out to do. i didn't apply to USD and missed the deadline. i didn't write a song (although i started one on the last day of break). i didn't catch up on school. in fact, i think i got more behind.

i only really had one day and maybe two or three evenings of a "break". i spent most of those evenings playing videogames and the one day studying for an exam i had the next day.

(i'm a dual enrollment student so even on high school breaks i have college classes)

i'm disappointed with how i spent my free time.

i'm rarely not.

i make bad decisions. repeatedly. i think i hate myself because i intentionally do things that make me actually hate myself.

in my church class i was told that we were given a free will by God. you know what? i might take a hint or two from robert sapolsky and just admit that whatever free will i have, it is severely augmented by the world around me. although i guess that's what free will is: the ability to choose within limited options.

i've been thinking about religion a lot over the past few years. but i never give those thoughts space to develop. i'm so swamped with shit that i can't always fucking think, and when i can i'd rather sleep or rot my brain out on some roblox or something. 

but as i saying, maybe i might be pretty acclimated to hell already. i mean, a place without God? a place where people who only listened to desires of flesh? those who blasphemy the Spirit will not be forgiven; fine, i'll indulge in every fucking pleasure there is. i'll hit up the mortal sins (except murder, not doing that). i'll do all of these things. i'll blasphemy the holy spirit every step of the way. except when it comes to hurting others, i'd like to avoid that at least. 

and then i'd like to imagine that hell is just all of that, but refined... condensed. like being stuck on VR playing superhot while also gooning and doing molly. for eternity.

       and when jesus comes a second time, my body could join with my soul and then i'd really
       be getting down to arena of sin which is hell.

i think i could handle that. i think i could handle that as well as, if not better than, handling being stripped from all desires except God and love. that sounds beyond boring. just sounds like i won't be human anymore. i'd rather i'll stick with traditional, "primitive" love. and those "earthly" and "base" desires, so said the greeks. even if it means the immense shame and regret and ick that comes with indulgence.

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                                           all this to say, sometimes i hate myself like hell.

because i love hating myself so much that maybe if i went to place designed for it i would thrive.

anyhow. that's enough rambling from me.

regards,
francis t.

12/2/24

p.s. i'm not religious at all. i think i'm atheist. i do obviously believe in the helpfulness of being a part of or simply acknowledging something larger than oneself, but not some God or any deities. juuust for the record.

here are one of my figures!!