Mary’s Letter To God

Dear God, 

You were right!

When I read you’re letter, I really thought it could not be true

That maybe, I had the slightest chance of living,

a life of happiness,

and purity,

but you were right!

And although I cried at your berating words,

and cried to my secrets, 

None of that will matter anymore

Because now, I know what I am good for

John said it himself-

and I’m so happy

I’m so happy he thinks i’m good for something

That must mean he loves me

I am good for one thing,

John’s words,

To kill myself

And because John knows best for me,

Then that means I will

He will laugh and spit at my grave

and I will be happy seeing his smile

These weeks, I have been trying to die anyway

But now I have to try harder

I burnt my legs 25 today

12 on my left leg,

12 on my right, 

and once on my left arm

And also some extra I won’t count

because those didn’t hurt as much as they should have

When I first started burning myself,

I used birthday candle wax

But now I have a better method 

I do it with a small match,

That way,

I can do it fast

And it won’t make big burns

So I won’t have to wait for those to heal

I can do so many burns in one minute

Now that nothing will matter,

I did something I never wanted to do

but decided to for the hell of it

I sniped a cigarette butt on the pavement 

I didn’t really like it

I don’t see the appeal

It does feel a little good,

but it doesn’t last 

And the smell is kind of nasty

I won’t do it again

But if i’m going to die,

Atleast I can say that

Even if i’m not that proud of it

I cut myself up a lot too

It’s not really my thing

But it does feel good

I just hate having to position it right

It means I have think about what I’m doing

I don’t want to

I just want to do it and feel it

Unlike burns, these sting for a while 

Burns sting but don’t hurt once you get used to it

“Promise me you won’t hurt yourself again Mary!”

“Mary, How could you do something so stupid?”

“Mary, don’t end up like me!”

“Mary, it won’t stop!”

That’s all I could think about

You know what I think?

I think if John saw me doing that now,

In the bathroom,

He’d grab the blade and do it for me

And he would do it so much harder 

He’d keep cutting me until there was bone

He’d laugh at me

He would throw salt on the cuts 

Then he’d throw me on the ground

And he would kick me and beat me 

You know what I think John wants to do to me?

I think John would grab a beer bottle from the fridge

Maybe he’d drink it a bit before he’d turn to me

Then he would get closer to me

And closer

Then he’d do something

Something that only me and John know

Something that John has kept to himself

A very brutal idea

Something, if there were 

“no laws or consequences”

then John would 

Do you get it John?

Would you do that to me?

You would do that to me

You would pay a whole group of people to do that to me

And you would watch and you would laugh

And you would do it yourself

And you would keep stomping and stomping

And you would be so happy

I think you’ve always thought of doing that to me

Have you?

I’m sure you have

I think you like virgin girls, John

I think you like to take something- a girl, a virgin

And promise her a life of happiness and joy

A family

Marriage

And when she’s sleeping at night,

You whisper things to her

That she is so beautiful 

That she is your everything 

your life and your soul 

your reason for living

And when she cries,

You comfort her in ways she can’t understand 

In ways that she’s never known

You pretend to love her

And the moment you take her pure virginity away,

You hate her

You lie to her

You laugh at her

Because now she is so stupid 

and so used

The one thing she’s good for to you is a fuck

Which, isn’t that good because she’s so ugly

And a shoulder to cry on

For all the pain that you carry everyday

The pain you supposedly trust her to take care of

And make her believe you are truly human

With feelings and emotions and empathy 

Until you look her in the eye one day

After months of all that pretend love

And you spit on her face

And kick her out like a dog

That must be what unvirgin girls are to you

Dogs

I must be one shitty and pathetic dog to you

I hope my blood makes you happy

That my burns and bruises thrill you

That the beatings I get excite you

I’m looking for it, right?

For a degenerate man to take advantage of me?

To fuck me while I cry and plead for it to stop?

Well, since you are hoping for it to happen soon

I hope when a man comes behind me, shoves me into an alleyway, tapes me quiet

You’ll hear about it

And I hope one day, one of these days

I cut too deep with nobody around

And then you’ll laugh

You’ll laugh good

I hope you see my body

Cold and gone

Every burn and bruise and cut

And I hope that you like it

Or, as you would say

I hope it makes your dick hard

If I ever did, anyway