Journal #37

I dreamt I was pregnant. It's weird because that's the first time I've ever dreamt such a thing. I guess I've considered it before, being a mom, but that's very much a thing for sometime like a decade from now. I remember boyfriend took me out on a fishing date before I was to go in for an abortion. I had hesitated to tell him because I was worried he'd say something sweet and I'd end up keeping it. I don't remember how the date went, but I remember the clinic. It was white and sterile with little windows lining the edge of the ceiling so as not to threaten anyone inside's anonymity. The doctor was very nice and she asked questions and made pleasant conversation before operating on me, but I was still scared. What if it's a girl and this is the only chance me and boyfriend get at having a daughter? I asked myself in the waiting room. But it was too late to consider that possibility. 

It's odd that I dreamt this. Probably because I'm still reading My Year of Meat for school and I'm basically at the end of it. I resonated a lot with Jane and her troubles with it. I was anorexic for about three/four years of my life. I barely started getting healthy again this year both through healing and Boyfriend's gentle support. Plus when I think of having a kid, I worry. My mom had a lot of complications and I'm still a very small woman. My genes aren't the best anyway, I really really doubt even Boyfriend would want a kid with me. I don't know. I feel like if I tell him the dream, he'll flip, so maybe it's best if I just keep it to myself. 

I don't know what it is, but ever since he made that stupid comment about our stupid other friend, my self confidence has just plummeted. I cannot see myself as beautiful unless I crack a joke about it. It makes me want to cry, not being feminine how he likes and not having much to offer him besides my feelings for him. I want to curl up into a ball and have him caress my back and tell me there's no other girl like me, that my dark eyes and dull hair are wonderful to him. That he wants to marry me in the future. But it's dreadful timing, all those hopes to get married someday, they came at a bad time. 

Last night, we went to a bar that was hosting a free event. We showed up to catch one of Boyfriend's favorite bands (he likes, like, one song from them) and we drank quite a bit. He's so fucking cute when he's drunk. He wouldn't stop flirting with me, which is always sweet! I do my best to match it, but that man's charisma is maxed out! Anyway, two of the people who were at the open mic on Wednesday were there and they told me they loved my voice and were looking forward to seeing more of me! Can you imagine that?! I really have fans! I knew Boyfriend wasn't new to that sort of thing, but oh my goodness! I felt like a real rockstar! There's probably not even a sliver of a chance that I'll have more than a dozen fans, but I still feel like that's an awful good bit of people who like me for an incredibly common talent. I just feel like I need to work on my stage presence. My whole body tenses up and it's hard to move, I don't know how to dance, and I have to shut my eyes or I'll get so nervous, my neck'll tense up too.