marriage scares me

wow. its december now, holy shit. lets not think about that too much though. 

anyway, ive been thinking about this lately. 

as of the past few years, marriage has become something that disgusts me. i havent really had a load of experience in my life with romance. in fact im very very much a late bloomer… or maybe im just attracted to older people and therefore nothings really happened yet (is that a sign of trauma..?)

like for the past 4 nearly 5 years ive only had fictional crushes, like 8 months ago was when i finally had my first real human crush but on a celebrity ig. there was one dude who baby sat my younger brother who was kinda cute… looked like the protag for silent hill 2 but a brunette. but i never thought about it again tbh. havent seen him for a while either. probably a good thing, dont wanna be around my family for too long. 

and.. well not for a lack of a better word but more or less to avoid TMI… ive been very very very much questioning my asexuality recently. so thats new.

but marriage? i mean, to be perfectly honest marriage never seemed appealing to me. even when i was a little kid. but now it kinda disturbs me. on paper, its just loving someone so much you want to devote a huge chunk of your life to them. which sounds wholesome and sweet. but i find it almost dreadful. not to sound like some sort of boomer but when i see stuff like that i just feel like theres a good chance its the end of the line for them

its definitely my parents fault, like how most of these things are. they argue a fair bit but not everyday, but it always felt like nothing ever got resolved. my mother is a total bitch and my dad isnt a normal dude. they are awful for each other, even if they have happy moments sometimes. even when i was 11 i thought their lives would probably be better if they split. 

i have no idea what a normal marriage is supposed to be like. 

i know what a normal relationship is. because i see it in media that i consume but… marriage just doesnt stick right with me. 

when i hear people call each other wife or husband my stomach churns. it sits badly, it almost feels like.. insulting??? i dunno. when i imagine the word marriage or husband or wife in my head i imagine my parents and they fucking suck. 

and i know this isnt really how marriage works at all but i feel like if your getting married its like your willingly allowing your relationship to become a chore you have to keep up with. and a chore thats hard to break off. cuz like… if you just have a bf or gf and you arent working out you can break it off easy. but marriage you have to go through a whole thing of divorce, and if your getting married have kids then its a whole other story. 

when i imagine boyfriend in my head i feel this wholesome energy inside me. i imagine cuddling and kisses and maybe more. marriage just seems like sleeping in the same bed, staring at the roof of your house. empty shallowness. but having a boyfriend feels like eating nice warm soup for my brain. having a husband, or a wife it.. it feels gross. really gross.