Mary 11/27-11/30

11/27

Today I had fun because I didn’t have a lot of work. I went on a long walk with Ben. Ben was happy because I was wearing his gloves, but I was cold, of course I want to wear gloves when i’m cold. Me and Ben were pushing each other alot. I have to be careful, because he’s stronger than me. While me and Ben were walking, I saw a beat up baseball on the side of the road. Me and Ben both ran to get it, but I caught it first, and then Ben tackled me the floor for it. It was a funny tackle, not a mean tackle, but it made me a little surprised. Ben play fights a lot. Earlier, he tried to slap my hand while we were joking around, but he ended up punching near my stomach instead, and it hurt. But he got really upset when he did that and he told me sorry. It made me happy, because that’s something John would do. In fact, John would do better. If John hit me hard like that, then he’d hug me and kiss me all better, and he’d tell me he was sorry right in my ear. John was always so gentle with me. Even if John hit me hard on purpose, then I would let him, because John knows what’s best for me, and he just wants to take care of me. I like when John is strict with me, because that means he cares, that he cares a lot, even if it hurts sometimes. Before I dropped him home, I threw the ball back at Ben. 

11/28

Today is Thanksgiving, but that wasn’t important to me. Today was very rainy, and it made me sad, because it reminded me of the tears of John. Though the way rain falls onto glass windows, could never fall as perfectly as the way tears fell onto his face. I never thought John was the type of man to cry. To me, he was the type of man to keep to himself, which he did for the most part. But the first time he cried to me, it made me realize how more much there is to him then meets the eye. It makes me upset knowing how much John hides himself. When I remember the way he yelled at me, insulted me, and taunted me, I do not feel angry with him, because I know that’s his way of shoving his true feelings aside, I know that that is all he’s knows. Sometimes I wonder how much John cries now, which although my mind denies he even does, I know he does. It makes me sad knowing I can’t hold him while he cries, and tell him everything will be okay. I don’t think John would want that from me anymore, though. In fact, I’m sure that he wouldn’t. 

11/29 

Last night I had barely slept. I was restless, for there was a pain in my chest that for once was not because of my mourning for John. I denied, and denied and denied that anything would happen to me if I kept overusing the pills. I thought if it made me happy, then that is all that matters. However, I was wrong. The effects have started coming back to me. Constant heartburn, unbearable soreness in my stomach and chest, forgetfulness, fatigue, nausea, has been all apart of my daily life now. John was right, but I don’t regret it. I just feel tired. I really fucking want cheesecake. I’m fucking hungry, that’s what I am. The only thing i’ve been noticing these past few weeks is my stomach getting flatter, which i’m happy about, but I want more. I want my legs to be thinner, I want my arms to be thinner, I want my face to be thinner. I want a pretty waist, I want to be paler, and I want a nice smile, and long blonde hair that reaches to my back. I want a lot of things that I can’t have. You know would be nice? A big tray of cheesecake slices, maybe about 10 of them, I’d like 10 cheesecake slices. One regular, one chocolate with chocolate chip chunks and icing, one marble strawberry and vanilla swirl, one peanut butter, one cookies and cream, one pistachio, one caramel, one neapolitan, one with blueberries and milk-cream with coconut flakes, and another regular one with one sweet strawberry ontop. 

11/30

Today I was very sad. I did a lot of bad things to myself and a lot of people hurt me today too. My whole body burns and I can barely breathe right. I have a bad bruise on my lip and it hurts to speak. I’ve been crying the whole day since this morning. I miss the way John would take care of me, I really need that right now, I really need John right now. I’m scared if I take more pills, my body is going to collapse. But I want John to hold me. Why would John promise to love me forever if he didn’t mean it? Why would he lie to me? He never loved me in the first place, I know that. I know he just told me all those special things out of pity. He was probably laughing at me the whole time. Even if it was all fake, it felt good. It felt so good and warm and nice and I don’t care if he lied to me a million times more because at least he would be there. What if he lied about my pretty face? What if he lied about wanting a family? He said it himself, he’s a good liar, which proves me right-that every “I love you” from him was just a lie. I really wanted John to be my first kiss. I wanted it so bad. He would feel so soft and safe. John is probably too busy kissing Mary-Anne to even think about me anymore. He’s probably kissing her and feeling her and hugging her all around. He’s probably calling her beautiful and pretty and sweet and kind. He’s probably making her gifts, what if he already bought her a ring? It’s making me sick. After I write this, I’m going to make myself puke. I can’t stand feeling like this, I feel this way about everything now. I hope something kills me.