Lamby is sick (!!)

Lamby puked today

Overall just nauseous and not feeling good today,, past few days hv been Not Good,, game i rlly like is announcing its end and coming to terms with reality and emotional maturity and whatnot

I think that I did not mature emotionally as well as some of my peers did. 

I want to learn how to. Be a person, yknow,, who can socialise with people their age without struggling so much. 

For context, Lamby is like. 17. He has been Sick since the beginning of his teen years and hasn't been to school since around the beginning of Covid,, and thus had little to no human interaction with ppl his age IRL for years. 

I've met my friends IRL....less than 10 times within the past 3 or four years. I still talk 2 some of them,, but only rlly online. I'm working on it,, I am gonna meet some ppl irl during the holidays and i am attending some therapy groupwork(?) to get myself ready to hopefully be able to start studying again next year. 

I think it's also to do with the fact that it is. A Brain Disease. For the sake of privacy i will not specify what exactly,, but it's an autoimmune disorder where my immune system basically thinks of the brain as a threat and wants 2 hurt it. 

I'm doing a lot better now,, and I want to continue to become better 

I'm just so sad that I find myself lagging behind from other people and I just end up not knowing what to do and getting way too distressed 

Lamby is a crybaby,, there's also that

ever since i was rlly small I've had trouble with regulating my emotions, always hving tantrums, always getting upset at seemingly little things and not knowing how to explain it

Now, i think i know better, i know not to lash out at people, i know not to lash out at myself, to recognise when to step back and think or to isolate and comfort myself 

I'm still trying. I struggle a lot with it. Talking to people and understanding what the other person may or may not want to hear.

I always think of myself as a conversation stopper. For some reason, I say something, and everyone stops smiling.

I don't want to be like that. I want to know what I did wrong.

I want to not be talked to out of necessity, but because it's likeable and enjoyable talking to me

i don't like making other people, people i like and want to be friends with, feel bad

i want to fill my heart with unwavering kindness and sympathy to fill in for the lack of empathy i have

but i am still learning to identify exactly who is and isn't deserving of that kindness 

i want to realise more and more that I am that person who is most deserving of my kindness and effort 

i want to treat myself, kinder, too

having issues with seeing myself as a deserving person, seeing myself as something more than a prop, an obligation, a nuisance, a thing, a toy that anyone can play with. seeing myself as easily replaceable, easily hateable, easily unwanted.

i don't wanna see myself like that

it's hard to unlearn things 

it's hard it's hard but I'll try anyway 

I'll try and try and try over and over

I'll make mistakes and learn from them, I'll make mistakes and I will learn to not make them over and over again. 

i want to look in the mirror and see myself as a person 

a loveable person, a person who is deeply loved by myself and others, a person who loves himself and others too.

i want to be able to look at myself and say the words 

"I'm sorry. I love you. Thank you for trying so hard."

and i hope, whoever is reading this, that you can, too .

goodbye, goodnight

and if no one has told you yet, i love you, please stay alive, please keep on trying, there are good times, i swear, amidst all the despair.