Moving on

I’ve been sitting and thinking about my life recently and I’m like…Idk im so conflicted. Since I’ve had this account I’ve gone through 3 relationships and I’m starting to think that I’m a bop but that is NAWT the case. I think that I’ve just been needing a place to get all of this out because it’s been killing me and I know that I can let everything out here. Since my last ex broke up with me, for once again something that wasn’t entirely my fault I’ve decided to sit and think. I know I have issues, I know I got BPD and I know that relationships will always be hard for me. This most recent relationship was smth that was really important to me, even if my ex claims it wasn’t to her. She may regret every little things (as she claims) but I don’t. Even though we don’t talk and we are probably on “enemy” status, I don’t regret a thing. I loved the short feelings of bliss I had. I loved the late night talks and the tension we had between us. My ex may say that it was all fake and that she didn’t really understand what she was doing because she can’t understand her emotions and what not but I know I did. I loved her so much and I’m choosing it look at it from a different point of view. I’m choosing to look at this as like…she just wasn’t ready to love me the way I was loving her. And after being hurt for the 1,000th time I’m just deciding to just…not. One day, there will be a girl that makes me so happy and loves me for me. Loves me on my good and bad days, episodes and all. It gets super tiring having to conceal my emotions in fear of hurting my partner when I’m hurting myself too. I know that I’m lovable, just maybe not from her. I romanticize the day that I meet the girl that will make me realize that everyone else was just a lesson to help me understand what I want and how to love someone else. I haven’t cried over her in a long time, and I’m very proud of myself. I don’t regret a single thing I’ve done since the breakup, and I’m tired of hearing that I’ve been doing everything wrong since the breakup. I know me. I know my heart and I know my soul. Everything I’ve done is not to hurt, it’s to heal myself. Wether she understands that or not is on her. She knows what kind of person I am, along with my family and friends. I know what kind of person I am. So when I hear how she’s portraying me to others I just sit and think yk? I know it’s not true and I know that deep down she knows that it’s not true too. One day, I will find that special girl. And I will be so happy because I know I would have deserved it. Anyways that’s it for this post. Idk if she’ll ever see this but if she does I hope she really sits and thinks about everything. I feel horrible that she has so much hate in her heart and can’t find it within herself to love others through their faults. But that’s a lesson she has to learn on her own, a lesson that I won’t be present to help her learn. Unless she deeply wants me to. I had fun! #YOLO (didn’t mean to yap my ass off there it’s late and I had lots of things to say)