is it just me?

TW: sewerslide kinda??

I've always felt empty but it's been a long while since I've felt THIS empty. I feel drained and tired of nothing. Is it just me that kinda feels comfort in their own sadness?? a part of me feels like something is terribly wrong whenever stuff feels like it's getting better, and another part of me is dying to end it all. I think it's because I know that happiness is temporary and in a way it's not really happiness it's just a distraction or it's just me trying to convince myself that I am feeling better even tho I know for a fact that I'm not. This life has given me nothing but agony and pain. I always grief for the past even tho I know it was bad. Been crying myself to sleep and praying that I won't wake up since I was 13. This madness feels like forever. I always describe it as falling in a hole but never hitting the ground. you are just falling but you have no idea where and when it is going to stop. ngl I've spent a good amount of time just laying in bed and staring at my wrist fighting these thoughts and trying my best to ignore these noises.

I tried therapy but it was bs and I need to know if it was just me.