the pain of adolescence (sensitive topic warning -- rant)

tw: vauge-ish + mild sh refrence (experience sorta in detail)

this journal is for me. read if you want. i just want to log down how i feel to organize it. hopefully to look back and laugh at it.

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i feel like ive lost my childhood innocence. I've been diagnosed with depression and I don't know how to feel about it. it feels a bit insulting, to be honest. I feel a bit more than depressed.

It doesnt feel real. Depression is a physical thing. I think. If chemicals count as physical things and not mental things, since if you can't see things-- at least for me-- I don't think they exist for real, or at least I can't conceptualize them--anyways. It's an imbalance. If you dumb it down and look at it plainly, it's just an imbalance of chemicals. In this fictional world I live in, it feels more like a curse or a haunting figure in my mind. Like a dark mass floating around me. But it's just a bunch of chemicals in my brain, isn't it?

Everything makes it worse. School is draining, but its a distraction from the overwhelming nothingness of the day. Having a free weekend is a relief but during the weekend chaos ensues. Usually sadness, sometimes depression. Days are just days and hours are just hours. They aren't long or short anymore. Time doesn't have a meaning anymore, in a non-depressing way honestly. It shifts depending on the day or the week. A week flies by but it also goes slow. And every day that I don't DO something it feels like another one of the hundreds that will walk by before I inevitably die.

I've lost my drive. When your a kid your not really thinking about "drive". You just do things. When the frost falls for winter or when the plants shrivel up for summer. Your not thinking of the seasons like cycles of the same monotonous life and the minutes like grains of sands passing by. The seasons are like a new life and new purpose with new experience. 

They have an unexplained, biologically implanted importance and meaning. And every day might not have a purpose, but a young child is ready for that switch. From kid to adult. And you just can't wait to get older and cooler. Maybe that feeling is meant to extend to your teen years. I wouldn't really know if thats true.

It feels like my "first day" of my journey is repeating over and over again. Not even like I'm going in circles, but like it's groundhogs day and I'm doing different things on the same day over and over again. Sometimes I forget the day changes and the hours are changing and it's not just the same repeated day, altering small things along with it. It's disorienting. No matter how many times I gather the will to "start again" and DO something, it ends up falling off-- abruptly or a soft dwindling down into nothingness. And then it starts back up. Most days I can't see the end of the tunnel because I'm still at the entrance, walking backwards and restarting and never moving forward.

Alternate lives. Sometimes I feel like an imposter. And sometimes I feel like I don't truly exist. I'm like the shattered version of the child I was. Somewhere in there I was supposed to be this normal sixteen year old girl, but I was swapped from an alternate world where I'm off kilter. Recognizable but different. I'm the bubbly, terribly-awkward-people-pleaser but now-trying-to-enjoy-life sixteen year old who tries her best to stay engaged in school activities who has many friends she keeps at arms-length but loves them all.

And the next second I'm just this girl who hates herself and her life and doesn't find the point in having friends or relationships. Who lives most of her days in bed and sees no future no matter how hard she looks. She hits herself and she has ugly scars all over her body which she tries not to show. She cries at least once a week and sometimes she doesn't understand why she's still trying and here.

 I guess it's good that there are two sides of me, there used to be only one. Now I don't know WHO I am, as we are polar opposites. I'm two different people who compete for dominance, and different people win each day. Sometimes they don't battle it out, and it's a soft mix of the two; an emotionless, empty pit stomach and a clear mind.

Earlier this week I was extremely close to being actually insane. I don't even know how to explain it. It was just this overwhelming feeling of frustration, hurt and anger. I was arguing something I didn't understand and couldn't explain, and it just made everything worse. The feeling took over my body like a whole demonic spell or something. I couldn't stop hitting myself and hurting myself, looking at every surface and vividly picturing how I would blast my brains out when it slammed my head against it. It was hard to control. To the point where I would hit myself repeatedly against my will and pick up sharp objects as if enthralled into a trance.

 I wouldn't say I'm "proud" it, but I think I'm trying to get used to feeling "alive" again where I could "wake myself up". I forced myself to sit down and breathe until I could control myself. And until I could rethink the situation without my arms hitting my head against my will. It was weird, and I felt a little weird too. Maybe i'll understand how crazy it is later, and I'll be embarrassed to be anywhere next to people, knowing i'm the crazy girl who hits herself and doesn't know why or how it fix it and hides it likes shes normal. At least I don't use objects anymore.

I hate how I don't know who's right, or who said what. I was too freaked out to listen. And every time I did, I would immediately freak back out again. No rebuttals, no nothing. I was blabbering and I knew it. I would rant about what my mother said to me, but I don't have the slightest clue. Not enough to make any fully-true claims. Not that I'm mad at her for what she implied, strangely. 

She sounds like the voices in my head. I can't tell--these days--if im being lazy when I don't get out of bed. When I wait for the certain part of a song i've been streaming all day to hit to get up and get out of bed to start my day again. Am I being lazy when I can't turn in my assignments or do my homework and instead I just sleep?

Is it lazy when I daydream about all the hobbies I could be doing to get better at them? When I think about how nice my room would look with more effort, how clean I could feel when I take a shower or how calm I would feel when I am comfortable with my existence? Is it laziness? Or is it motivation? Or is it just that I am constantly tired? Or is it both? Is it laziness to not do what my therapist asks in regards to getting better and apologize to him for doing so--knowing he probably wouldn't be mad either way? I scream that it isn't, but sometimes I can't tell. 

It takes forever to do things now. I've sat in my bed, consciously aware of the mess around me, waiting to clean it up. Waiting to take a shower and waiting to sit up out of bed. I wait all day. Time is nothing to me now.

I would end this on a good note, but I'm not feeling it. I don't really know much anymore. I wish I could be out of this.