Entry #032 - I'm Still Healing

(I'm going to embolden key words to help myself refer back to specific topics in the future.) 

So, approximately 4 months have slipped by since the last time I overshared into the void.

I re-read my previous entry to see where I left off, and yikes, I was in a lot of pain.

My life has improved and stabilized in many ways since then. In other ways, my PTSD has left me feeling stuck and stunted. Many of my days are spent enduring cyclical trauma loops which are very hard to snap out of. I enjoy my day-to-day job, but it's incredibly repetitive and doesn't involve much thinking or talking, so it's very easy to overthink myself into a depressive and/or psychotic spiral—it happens at least 1-2 times per week. I'm learning a lot about myself. Having a strong support system around me makes all the difference, and I regularly have “safe people” nearby to help whenever I am unwell. I'm grateful for these people. ♥

Some improvements I've seen in my life include my growing sense of independence. After facing my biggest fear in the entire world, I've come to realize that most other things aren't so scary, despite my PTSD being an obstacle sometimes. I'm still uncomfortable around other men, but I've been able to feign enough confidence to interact with them and get shit done when I need to. Setting boundaries feels easier now because I have very few fucks left to give about other peoples' feelings.

Another improvement that largely involves my mental health: I'm finally getting more tattoos! Being in a 5-year-long relationship with a broke ass bitch was really holding me back from splurging on body art, so I'm making up for lost time. I find that I have more money now that I'm no longer financially supporting a bum... so yay! I've been in the process of getting my throat piece reworked and darkened because the original artist was entirely too confident in his capabilities, and I've hated my throat for the past 3 years. I finally found a new artist who is not only SKILLED, but he is everything I could ever want in an artist. Creative, down to earth, comfortable, open-minded, LOCAL. He's fantastic and I look forward to getting so much work done with him. He's fixing several of my shitty pieces and giving me new ones as well. The idea of “tattoo therapy” always seemed kind of corny to me until recently... getting these tattoos has really done wonders for restoring my confidence. He is a treasure and I'm so happy we met. Our conversations are so healing and mutually enjoyed. Oh, and I also got new angel bite piercings, and I recently sized up my nostril piercings to 2-gauge (6mm). 

Let's see... I've been in regular contact with my formerly estranged brother, and that's going really well. It's nice having him in my life again, just like old times. And I am suddenly remembering where I got me weird sense of humor from lol! It was from him!

Oh yeah, the ex-husband update: There is no update. I have not seen him or heard from him since the day he moved out of my home, and that's exactly how I want to keep it. I'd be happy to go the rest of my life and never have to acknowledge his existence again, ever. The trauma he caused me still replays in my mind all the time, but that's it. I never think of him as a person, and I never think about our previous life together as a married couple. It's like that whole era has been unplugged from my brain. I'm still healing from him... and healing is not linear. 

Oh! And partially relating to that—my favorite color is no longer pink. Long story short, he was the reason I became obsessed with that color in the first place, but now I feel nothing when I see pink. My new favorite color is lavender! I've been selling my pink clothing and accessories on Depop so I can replace them with purple-y stuff. I've also redesigned my fursona's aesthetic. He is now a lavender pastel goth baddie. 

I'm going to end the updates there because I'm realizing that future-me is going to be very bored trying to read all this nonsense.

Thanksgiving is in a couple of days, and my roommates and I are going to do a very non-traditional dinner here at the house. I'm makin' deviled eggs. So many deviled eggs.