Meeting my childhood trauma

*cringe post, read with caution*

I just thought I'd write down some of my thougts somewhere. Anyone will be able see them, but I still mainly want to collect these for myself. I didn't think I'd ever try this, but here I am. 

So.. within the past few years I've come to realise that I'm a troubled individual in some regards and it's been an interesting 5 years that I've spent in therapy so far. In those years I've learned a lot about myself. One rule that has always held true up until this point is that with each new issue that I've solved, deeper issues occured, usually in higher quantities as well. There's always been one thing that I've been wondering about, though. I always had this feeling that there was something missing. That there was a major detail that I was overlooking.. some sort of deep-rooted trauma whose causal effects may genuienly explain the path I've trotted down in life. I also feel like I've recently, thankfully, finally made a decent step forward in understanding that I was correct. 

I don't quite know how to put all of this into plain text in a concise manner, but my problem seems to be complex, entangled with different issues and.. painful. I'm someone that seemingly has been rejected by the world for who I was when I was a kid. It seems as though I wasn't properly seen or heard within or outside of my household. In fact, I've been told by my parents many times since I was young, that the world would be a better place if they hadn't decided to give birth to me. I've seen and heard many things over the past 20 years of my life, but it seems as though this sentence has truly stuck with me. 

It made me someone else. I tried accomodating the needs of other people as best as I could at all times, neglecting my own, hoping to get accepted. This didn't actually help.. it rather made things worse for everyone involved. I made up a crowd of people in my head that watches me at all times. They're my guardians. They give me sympathy and share my innermost emotions with me, because that way I can atleast share them with someone. They give me the accomodation that I otherwise couldn't give myself on my own. Even when I don't act like I'm someone else for someone else, I do it infront of myself as well. It's easier to convince other people of who you seem to be, if you can convince yourself first. 

Recently, all of this climaxed for the first time. I've met a person that was, and still is, truly precious to me. We came close to eachother just as quickly as we became strangers, it seems. But during our interactions, I felt free for a bit. Like I was truly able to shut my brain off and be me. And.. well, things got complicated for us quite quickly and she left. What I noticed was that this distance opened some deep scars within me that I've kept well-protected over the past years. I wasn't rejected for being some fake fuck. I was rejected for who I truly was. I didn't even know who I was and found a part of myself in the hands of someone else. Now that part was gone along with them. Or so you'd think. 

The past few weeks have been some of the most difficult that I've had to live through so far. I broke down on many occassions.. you know.. these types of breakdowns in which your body starts shaking uncontrollably, your entire body just hurts and you can't move. But I'm truly satisfied with this result. I've finally come to understand a decent chunk of what makes me tick in a way more fundamental manner and I hope to use this information in the future. 

There's always a thousand more words I could write once I get going, but I'll leave it at that for now. This blog thingie might really be a good idea. I feels nice to have my thoughts somewhere else but in my head xd