Journal #33

I am so thankful for him. He is so loving of me. This is what I know to be the truth. 

I feel cured of something ghastly. The pain in my chest has subsided. The storm is over, the sun is out again. Quite literally as well. 

Friday, me and him had a nice, drunken heart to heart and in explaining what I feel, I've found what I needed in order to process it. I'm unsure whether it's age, graduation looming in the distance, or what but I've come to realize I very much do not feel the paralyzing need of other people (save for him, but he will always be spared of my indifference). Perhaps my inability to find company within a club has seeped into this little band I had such a desire to form in the middle of the year. I don't do well in group settings, I'm sure that needn't be repeated, but it is just always a constant as I go about my life that I think people are very closed off at understanding. For the majority of my life, I as a person remained unwanted or ultimately rejected by many of the people I've met in life. Those who didn't drifted apart naturally over time. Now I find myself empty of the need for company that fails to reciprocate my energy towards them. Like I said earlier, Boyfriend's the only one who treats me equally and we match each other's energies and equally understand our unique ways of thinking, feeling, and being which is why we come together so well. It's not just that understanding and unwavering acceptance that binds us, but how we compliment each other so well when it comes to both logically thinking and emotional comprehending. His company leaves nothing to be desired and everything to be experienced and joyous. Also he bought me a pokemon sticker as a thank you for paying his way into the event. I adore him so fucking much!!!!!!!!!!!!

As a result, I don't feel like I'm really missing anything. Did I get lonely? Of course I did. When you're somewhere with no one else around to talk to for so long there are going to be those feelings, but I don't feel like I'm missing anything at all socially. I also know that, even from a million miles away, Boyfriend will always be proud of me and rooting for me! He's not given up on me and I'm not going to give up on me either! And I won't give up on him! 

I cut my fingers on accident on the umbrella we used last night because it was dreadfully hard to close. I hope the stinging stops later on in the day so I can write for a long time tonight. I need to work on my story some more before the year ends or I'll have nothing to turn in for class.