Sonder and Ennui

I’m reaching my finals for this term of college, and I’ve found myself drawing away from others more than I thought. Not out of academic stress, and especially not out of some kind of work crunch, but I’ve found myself finding more peace when I’m alone (novel concept, jackass).

I find myself forming less ennui, and more general dissatisfaction with my life at large. When I was coming into college, I felt like I would feel some shift, some great inner transition into this new space. I feel the same. I’m still doing the same depressive, bullshit self reflection that I’ve come to associate with myself. I can write all I want, consider myself intelligent, and indulge in rigorous self critique, but that won’t stop me from feeling like that no matter what, I’m supposed to be depressed and alone.

I take late night walks when I can’t sleep (almost every night), and inverse to what I would have thought, late night activity has increased nearing finals. I see groups and crowds traverse campus and the surrounding city, and I can’t help but wonder if they feel the same.

Sonder is the emotion of realizing that everyone you meet, everyone you pass by, everyone you haven’t met, has a life just as complex as yours. I struggle with this, especially as I enter college. I always tried to surround myself with people that have had similar harrowing life experiences as mine - in short, depressed nihilists. I find people who have experienced those life changing moments have a better head on their shoulders, look at the world differently. Clearer. Now I’m surrounded by people from all swathes of life - people who think all too differently from me. I hate self aggrandizing, and it’s not quite that, but despite initial hopes, I haven’t found people who have my same warped brain patterns.

I can try and be around others but I just can’t connect. I can’t find the ins that I used to. I can empathize and joke, but I can’t feel connected. I can post online about all this bullshit, have one person read it and forget it the next day. I can’t help but feel that I am, truely, lonely.

So, I see people walk in crowds. They’re heading to parties that I’m either too self-masturbatory or not cool enough for. I see them and I wonder - can they feel like me? 

I have my Converse on and my R.E.M playing, and I can’t help but feel it’s all on me.