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I’m reaching my finals for this term of college, and I’ve found myself drawing away from others more than I thought. Not out of academic stress, and especially not out of some kind of work crunch, but I’ve found myself finding more peace when I’m alone (novel concept, jackass).
I find myself forming less ennui, and more general dissatisfaction with my life at large. When I was coming into college, I felt like I would feel some shift, some great inner transition into this new space. I feel the same. I’m still doing the same depressive, bullshit self reflection that I’ve come to associate with myself. I can write all I want, consider myself intelligent, and indulge in rigorous self critique, but that won’t stop me from feeling like that no matter what, I’m supposed to be depressed and alone.
I take late night walks when I can’t sleep (almost every night), and inverse to what I would have thought, late night activity has increased nearing finals. I see groups and crowds traverse campus and the surrounding city, and I can’t help but wonder if they feel the same.
Sonder is the emotion of realizing that everyone you meet, everyone you pass by, everyone you haven’t met, has a life just as complex as yours. I struggle with this, especially as I enter college. I always tried to surround myself with people that have had similar harrowing life experiences as mine - in short, depressed nihilists. I find people who have experienced those life changing moments have a better head on their shoulders, look at the world differently. Clearer. Now I’m surrounded by people from all swathes of life - people who think all too differently from me. I hate self aggrandizing, and it’s not quite that, but despite initial hopes, I haven’t found people who have my same warped brain patterns.
I can try and be around others but I just can’t connect. I can’t find the ins that I used to. I can empathize and joke, but I can’t feel connected. I can post online about all this bullshit, have one person read it and forget it the next day. I can’t help but feel that I am, truely, lonely.
So, I see people walk in crowds. They’re heading to parties that I’m either too self-masturbatory or not cool enough for. I see them and I wonder - can they feel like me?
I have my Converse on and my R.E.M playing, and I can’t help but feel it’s all on me.
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juniper
I get it. There’s something about the way you feel right now that’s so visceral? like it’s the kind of thing we don’t admit to anyone, not even ourselves sometimes. You’re not the only one who feels like this, even though it can really feel like you’re the only one on the planet some nights. That disconnect? It’s a common thing, even if no one talks about it. Everyone’s too busy pretending they have it together, or that they’ve found their place, their “thing” in life. But honestly, I think most people feel lost at some point, maybe they just hide it better. Or maybe they mask it with noise, with the crowds, the parties, the endless distractions, our phones. It’s like... is it easier to numb out, or does it just feel like you’re supposed to?
I don’t know. You end up standing in the middle of it all, surrounded by people who don’t get it, who don’t get you. You’re left wondering if they’re all just pretending, or if they’ve actually figured it out. Do they feel this too? Or are they just... living? It’s so hard to reconcile. You want to connect, but sometimes it feels like there’s an invisible wall. I’ve definitely been in those spaces where I’m sitting in a room full of people, and it’s like I’m looking through glass. I’m there, but I’m not there. It’s exhausting, feeling like you’re on the outside looking in.
I guess I’m rambling, aren’t I? I should stop... but it’s just that I feel like you’re onto something. When you’re on the outside for long enough, you start to wonder if maybe you just weren’t meant to fit in. Or maybe you just haven’t found the right people, but even then, what’s the right people, right? It’s like everyone’s living these parallel lives and you’re stuck trying to figure out where yours fits. You feel all this stuff, but no one else seems to be feeling it the same way.
I’ve gone through the motions, too, wanting to “change” or “become” something else, hoping that this big shift will happen. But sometimes I think that shift, if it happens, it’s subtle. It doesn’t come with fireworks, you know? Maybe you’re in it already and just don’t see it yet. Or maybe you just need to sit with that discomfort for a little longer, even though it’s hard. God, it’s hard.
Anyway, I’m not sure if this makes sense. Probably not. But I guess all I’m saying is that you’re not alone in this. I get it. I’m here, rambling with you, feeling some of the same things. Even if we don’t have the answers right now. Maybe we never will. But that’s okay. It’s all part of... whatever this is.