entry ...11/21/24

Today was a normal day , I can't describe how I'm feeling really .. I spent today thinking about you , per usual . My favorite teacher was gone today , that kinda got my mood of to a crappy start in the beginning . Then my day continued to get worse , I made somthing for you today baby . A leather Keychain , with our names . I enjoyed making it , then people asked questions about your name . Who were you ? It's hard to explain to people , my boyfriend , the guy I'm still miserably loving ? Our situation is complex , I'm sure you know it too , do you still enjoy my company ? I miss the times we used to be silly together , watching movies and playing games , calling all weekend , telling eachother everything . Now you know nothing about what goes on in my life , quite the change isn't it love ? You can't spare me a text , unfortunate , you said you'd never forget . Do you still remember saying that , making a promise you wouldn't keep , how to i go from being so important to you to just an irrelevant girl who's still in love with you ? I must seem pathetic to you , I'm glad you won't say this so I can speak freely about how I feel . I don't think you enjoy my presence anymore . Eventually I plan to ween you off of me , to close myself off from you aswell , detach , then we can both come to the agreement to end things . Suicide , that's another thing I think of often aside from you , the constant thought in my mind to just end it all . I don't think you'd care much now , I wouldn't even tell you how I felt . You'd probably pretend to say somthing stupid like "please Emma don't" I know you don't honestly care . Your feelings are so disconnected from me , i feel so alone . You'd never notice , you don't even give the time to talk to me , how would you understand any of this . I dream about taking the pills . The pills that would kill me . Laying in my bed enjoying my last minutes , knowing I don't ever have to experience this . Much less for any longer , all of them . Saying things about how bad it is , they don't understand how i feel . You , if you ever read this , you don't understand . The pain and emptiness i feel is impossible to escape , i want to be treated better . Was it lust , did you just love bomb me ? Now to leave me craving for that again , that high of attention . It always ends like this , everything seems so pleasant , then it all crashes down , so suddenly it seems . I should have seen this coming , I thought you were different . Turns out you weren't , all I ever want is you . I'm the last thing you'd possibly want . My friends ask about you , since I stopped talking about you .. I have nothing to tell them , no updates . We aren't going anywhere but downhill , I don't want you to ever see this because I know you'd try to break up with me again . Saying things like "I'm not good enough for you", it's excuses . If you wanted to be good enough for me , you'd change to be . My ex used to say that I would find a person who loved and enjoyed all the things about me . They'd love me for me , not someone I pretend to be , I think he lied , there's been so many people , none of them ever felt those things about me . Do you enjoy me ? All the things about me , or do you just enjoy certain things about me , like how I make you feel ? Fulfilled , cared for , the feelings your family and friends couldn't make you feel , loved without circumstances , in every single way I loved you . Now I just feel far away , you've pushed me just this far , all I've ever wanted was to be in the inside . Inside of your heart , with you . We planned all these things for the future , wedding , kids , housing , money . Did you know in the end you wouldn't stick around and improve so we could make it to those things ? I can't write anymore , i hate it , I hate everything .

-Em ..