Journal #32

"I'm a chill guy who lowkey don't give a fuck," I whisper to myself. I crack open the window to receive the sun and brew another tea.

November is the worst month. It's the Thursday of the whole year. The end is so close. New beginnings are already bleeding through and yet, it is here, on the cusp of the final countdown, where things must be in a constant state of movement to reach their conclusions. 

In good news, he loves me greatly. Boyfriend invited me out yesterday and helped me remember I am a human girl and not just a palpitating void. We kissed and kissed and kissed on his bed and when it was time to go, we sat together in his kitchen and he ate himself a bowl of yogurt. I didn't mean to, but I kind of psychoanalyzed him while he was pouring in the granola. I can tell he gets weirded out when I do it because he purses his lips, squints his eyes, and starts speaking in probabilities. I must admit, it is entertaining watching him deny his own confirmations. It's cute, in a way. I hope that makes sense. 

Then he took me out to dinner! We ate at this little diner and split a plate of chicken tenders before heading off to the mall to go walk around. He's thinking of getting a vendor space at one of the three malls we frequent so it was mainly for business purposes, but we had a bunch of fun with it anyway! After that, we went back to my place and watched Dandadan before calling it a night at 12. I really really really enjoyed the first two episodes! This was the best anime I've watched in a while and I can't wait to watch the rest of it with him. I told him it was kind of funny because he's always been into aliens and I'm into the paranormal. He's seen a UFO before when he was a kid. He tells the story better than I do, but there was this great metallic saucer hovering just in sight from the backseat window of his mom's car. It flew off in a show of silver, reverbed light like "it was going into hyper space." I, however, have never had a solid ghostly encounter. There are times where I dream of the dead, usually my childhood pets, but I've never seen a real ghost. I own a ouija board, but I've never had a second player to try it with so I just haven't. Besides, I'm not sure what to ask a ghost. 

Uni's been the worst. I can't with it. I've gotten over whatever wave of loneliness I felt earlier this week luckily. It's been a long time since I felt so bad, I was worried it might linger again. But I'm really just suffering academically. There's just so much to do! I've got two essays, several final exams, and a 1500 word project I have to get started on this and next week so I don't fall behind. Not to mention the usual assignments alongside that. The current objective is to survive, graduate, and run off to Mexico with my darling. I cannot give up on that.