the mirror

today, i wanted to talk about love - it's been on my mind so much! love, love, love. i saw a man in the mirror. he was a silhouette, and i couldn't make out anything on his face save for one heavy-lidded eye. he had broad shoulders, which reminded me of my dad in a way. that's what i thought when i saw the man ("he looks like my dad, sorta-kinda"). he was trying to seem small, curled in on himself and hunched forwards (have you ever seen the original silent film, the phantom of the opera? he reminded me of the phantom in that movie. phantom-dad-shadow-man). i was nauseous, and i felt tears rise into my eyes, but i couldn't move away...like i was under hypnosis. i couldn't move, could hardly tear myself out of the vision. my mom saw it too, when i asked her to look. 

ever since then (november 1st), i can't get my head off of him! i have a crush on my soulmate, my soulmate in the mirror. these things are very transformative. but here's the thing: i'm not open to love, not at all. and what i saw was a validation of a dream, a dream where i am open to love. what does this mean? i don't have a good feeling about it, if i'm being honest. i'm buzzing with fear. i'm an open cavern. i can't describe the dream (can't even write down the dream in my physical diary, it's something that can only exist inside of me). what can i really do? i can accept the dream as reality, let it wash over me and engulf me, let it eat away at my marrow. i can deny the dream, but i think it's already in motion. i don't think i can stop it, even if i wanted to. 

i think the mirror was the universe telling me, "this will happen. you can do nothing to stop it. it is on the way, and it is your fault." (it is my fault, but that's another secret). 

i just don't know what to do. it's all i can think about. 

-W