november 19. 2024

i love u!!!!!!!!!

u probably not reading this. i dont think anyone is.

life is good its really good. i eat what i want and i do what i want and i go out whenever i want and i built some of my goal habits. i wash my face twice a day even if im hammered or tired or sleep in or the water goes out. i do it no matter what. i take my meds on time and i drink water.

i do it even when its hard or when i dont want to. i still struggle w being as tidy as i want but i make small moves and it means i build consistency. i dont need to punish myself bc its one thing at a time.

ive been learning python for real this time and i feel committed.i worked on it on lunch, on the bus to work and again for another hour when i got home. fixing this 20 yr old computer rly ignited me. this is who i was and i just was so sick i forgot myself. i was fixing computers when this one was made and i knew this stuff all along. getting banned from the pc in kindergarten for taking it apart is enough proof.

i hope i dont look pathetic to everyone watching. im happy and i like being alive. today at work i was laughing a lot and my coworker said they havent seen me laugh and smile like this is so long and it was nice and made them happy. i am so glad anyone cares im happy. i feel so alone here a lot of the time for a lot of reasons but i know in my heart someone is always watching some aspect of me.

i hope if ur watching u remember the good in me and not the uncontrolled/unmedicated bipolar disorder or the unmanaged bpd or even the undiagnosed ocd that drove me into psychosis. i needed help and its finally working.  im emotional about the lives i destroyed because of who i was forced to be. my whole life i said i felt like i was forced to watch while an evil alien controlled my words and body and wrecked everything.

im finally in control again but everything is gone now. everyone i love is either not who they were or moved out of my reach. i dont feel like i can reach out to u and i want to so badly but i cant risk doing the wrong thing again. i need to wait its what ive been told.

asked for a sign and got a ton but my ocd shows that stuff to me anyways. i asked for a more concrete sign and continued getting signs but nothing spelled out for me. i know this seems like psychotic rambling again but its not. ive just had a few shots and am tipsy so unfortunately i just pour everything out.

see u soon. u know where to find me