hermit neet socially inept pathetic loser complains about being lonely.

its 3 am. you're struggling to fall asleep, like always. you took your last melatonin pill 2 hours ago and it has yet to do shit. so, like any sane and normal person would do in this situation, you reluctantly type in "boyfriend asmr sleep" in the search bar on the chrome version of YouTube.com and proceed to go through and listen to a bunch by the same guy. it didn't work btw. you still couldn't sleep afterwards lol.

PATHETIC, RIGHT? 

I am only admitting to this here because a) its kinda funny and b) IT SETS THE SCENE FOR THE TOPIC OKAY.

its like really sad right. I think its ridiculous. I think bf asmr is fucking ridiculous. I go it as like a last resort to fall asleep even tho it makes me feel like such a fucking loser. already more than I feel like on the usual. but me being a worthless loser that has to listen to men online pamper them to fall asleep is not the topic of tonight's blog. its about love. or lack thereof in my life lol.

so while listening to these stupid videos I came across one in particular that evoked a sorta full body reaction-but not in like a sexy way-outta me. I can't remember what the fuck was happening but the guy was sayin like really stupid cheesy sweet stuff right? yk the typa shit these guys say in these pathetic videos. it was whatever. but then he said something like "I will treasure you forever" or "I treasure you so much". SOMETHING LIKE THAT. and

yk the feelin you get when you can feel the sadness grow on your skin in real time? I like to call it "turning blue". it was sorta like that. and it like idk. made me think. like really just made me think;

no one is EVER gonna say anything like that to me.

...

my strange obsession with being in love started like idk a year ago. in my daydreams I see the sweet romance between my characters and I fucking crave it. it hurts so much. because its not real. and its not me. and yk its so damn annoying bc I actually used to think the concept of love was stupid and nonexistent. idk why I used to feel that way. I think it was just a product  of my emo phase at the time lol. but now its like FUCK. its almost a daily occurrence now where I crave the feeling of someone against me and telling me how much they love me and ugh its fucking STUPID AND ANNOYING. 

I can't have that. not only am i stuck in this room because im jobless but I'm also socially inept as HELL anyways. I got NO RIZZ. and on top of those two things, I don't even feel like I'm capable of loving another human being. and I feel like I'm not very lovable. I'm so depressed. I'm so angry. so negative. I have so much self hatred inside me and no idea how to get rid of it. it would be wrong to be with someone when you have so many damn issues. I been with a depressed person before and yeah unsurprisingly it SUCKED ASS. I was fuckin miserable bc HE WAS MISERABLE. I would hate for anyone to be miserable with me...but GOD do I wish I had someone. I really have no one. no friends, no partner, just the family that I see every fucking day. i feel like I'm gonna die soon all the time which makes it all hurt EVEN MOREEEE. I'm afraid I'll die a sad, lonely, self hating VIRGIN. FUCK. THAT SUCKS. like shit maybe I will never fall in love but can a nigga get laid????????? ugh. honestly I wouldn't wanna fuck someone im not in love with. 

I would die to just lay IN SILENCE with someone. to just have some damn company. spending time with yourself when you hate yourself can be unbearable sometimes. like I just wanna cut myself out this body and crawl into someone else and become them. k that sounds insane I AM NOT A SERIAL KILLER!!!!! I AM JUST REALLY SAD!!!!!!!!

anyways yeah. im single and my ass is like super fat if you were wondering.