Entry #55

it gets more and more difficult everyday to think of reasons to keep living. i dont even know what my current reason is. i guess i just cannot bring myself to do such a selfish thing. theres nothing wrong with my life. i have friends, i have a boyfriend, i have parents, what else do i ask for? it just feels like im living a lie everyday. my mom said shes gonna quit drinking and only drink on holidays, shes 8 days sober. though i dont know if i believe her. i find myself doing nothing but staring at my walls now except for when im with someone. i dont even know if i want to be with anybody, i just want to bask in my loneliness for eternity. i used to crave wanting to be with someone, but all i want is just have time by myself. but i dont want to be alone forever. i cant recognize myself in the mirror, in cameras, in pictures, its like i shapeshift. i dont know. despite everything, its still me. im thinking of picking up the drums again, but i dont think i even have the motivation to do so. i just want to sleep forever. why am i so fucking worthless? i try every fucking day to do something productive and i try to help people and be nice and i try and try and try and i get fucking nowhere. i talk to fucking nobody except my boyfriend and my best friend, all my other friends dont even fucking bother talking to me anymore. i fucking hate everyone and i hate myself. i am so full of hatred. its so much that i just want to hurt myself to relieve it. but i dont. most ill do now is hit myself. ive gotten used to the feeling of someone watching me so i dont cut myself anymore. i dont know. tomorrow is another day.