i miss my brother

He didn't moved out of my house or died or nothing like that, he just have been pushing me away for the last three years, it took me too long to realise he was slowly slipping out of my life and now he acts almost like a total stranger to me. For some context he is my twin and we used to be close, like, really close, i did'nt had many friends growing up and have pretty bad mental illness + emotional problems since i was very little so he was the only one who always got my back, he always made sure i doing great at any uncomfortable situation. We used to share the same roon and spent all nights talking about our interests until one of us slept, we did absolutely everything together, we were really best friends. We still have similar interests until today and spend a lot of tome together since we live in the same house but is not the same anymore, it's like he just ignore my existence now.

I think he started to change when a i was 11/12 years and cried everyday all night long until i just blacked out and woke up in the morning to go to school with him, it really disturbed him because he wasn't able to sleep well with the annoying sound. We were always part of the same friendgroup, so he wasn't able to push me away so much at first, he only stopped being my best friend at the end of the covid 19 pandemic, i started dating a girl that he didn't really liked (he is not homophobic ok he is gay too) in mid 2022 when i was 14, the girl wasn't rude to him or anything like that, the problem was that my brother have always been kind of a bully, he is only nice to people he really likes, otherwise he just make fun of them for stupid reasons and expect everyone to just suck up and deal with every bullshit he says to them but my ex girlfriend had a really sharp tongue. They were very close at first actually, they were very friendely to eachother but some day my brother just decided to make her his target, after that he just became more and more distant to me. I broke up with the girl in the end of 2023 but my brother never got closer to me again.

We are in the same class and year at school, i don't have any friends there so he always do the projects with me but always refuses to talk with me about anything other than the subjects we are studying, he stills very carrying towards me helping me out with all of that school stuff and checking if i'm doing fine when he can, but he just refuses to have a real conversation with me. I don't know anything about him anymore, he doesn't speak to me unless i'm crying too much or having trouble with my school assigments. It makes me so sad because i really love him and he was always my only close friend. I was thinking about our childhood in some random day to list some reasons he might have to just push me away. Like i said before i was a really emotional unstable kid, my parents emotionally neglected me while at least my mom treated my brother like her golden child (my dad sucks so he treated my brother the same way he treated me, just seeing us as invisible never-needing kids) , i turned out to be very agressive because of all the self-hatred i had in consequence of the lack of affection my parents had towards me. I used to beat my brother when we were really young but i stopped as soon as i figured out he had nothing to do with the way my mother treated me, but when i was 10 and my mental healthy got worse i started to having outbursts that lead to agression towards my brother because he was an easy target at the time and the only really close person i could actually hurt physically (he used to be very small due to a hormonal condition he has). I always cried after hurting him because i felt very guilty, i always apologised to him of course, he was always kind to me and even lied to my mother saying that his bruises and bleeding were made from other situations, he always had my back, even being a pain in the ass for others he was always a incredible brother for me. I really thought if maybe he decided to get distant from me now because of the feeling about that time that might have came to the surface now, he always deny that he has pushed me away everytime i tried to talk to him, always saying that i'm being dramatic and that he still the same towards me. It's just not true, he don't even spend time with me watching random show we like or just hanging out to talk shit with me when we are not with our childhood friends, i'm just so sad he is not closer to me anymore, i feel so alone now.

sorry for the big vent again, i just don't have anywhere else to talk about that 😭😭 sorry for my broken english too, i'm brazilian and kinda dumb

if you gonna comment be nice to me pls