worst birthday ever.

in the span of a day i just lost everything. yesterday was my birthday and it was a normal day. nothing happened. my birthday wish was that i'd finally get to experience love and get a partner but instead of love i might be getting admitted to a mental hospital. i'm disrespectful and disobedient. i'm a big disappointment who is going to hell. everything is the phone's fault never my mom because she does so much for me. i'm scared of her though. i don't feel safe talking to her about how i feel. she is the thing i am most afraid of. well her and death. i'm spoiled. i've gotten things too good so she's decided to take me out of my school which is accepting of my identity and put me into public school. she has also decided that since my room is always dirty i don't deserve that either so she took it and everything in it. everything that made me feel happy is gone. and the one place i had to get away from her has been ripped away. and now my only mode of communication with my best friend is gone too. my phone has been smashed because i wouldn't give it back. i regret it all. do you ever wish you had the power to go back in time and change things that happened? i wish i had that everyday. i hate wishing for things to change. i hate my life. i hate myself. i hate my mom. i hate everything. if there is a god i just want to know why? why me? if my existence is as wrong as they say and all i am is a mistake then why let me keep going? today just made me realize how tired i am. existence is exhausting and pointless. i wish i could be like alice and fall into my own wonderland. just make it to 18 my ass. and all this shit happened just because i wouldn't accept jesus into my heart. all because i have a "spirit" over me. the devil using me to get through her. if i keep going down this path i'm going to hell. the fact that this isn't even the first time im being told i'm going to hell. im going to hell because i'm trans. im going to hell because im demonic. im going to hell because i tried to kill myself. atp i'm going to hell and i don't care. i better see her there though. well anyway this is getting long. if anyone wants to kidnap me lmk.