11/17

hey gang. sometimes when its a late hour like it is now i kind of just go back and think about my entire life and stuff, i hear a lot of people just do that sometimes. thinking about it makes me feel kind of miserable and thats why im so miserable all the time or at least why I act so miserable. Its not even because my life is hard because, its not, its just i dont freaking like thinking about being physical and alive. being alive to me is a race against the clock. i want to do everything i can while in this physical vessel thing before i just freaking die and never come back supposedly, but at the same time it is my greatest and most dominate instinct to just sit around all day and be in comfortable ignorance. isnt that so freaking evil? i like to think when im at school that im just surrounded by morons because people are actually happy and im half conscious all the time. but yk, im just jealous that they have the power to rebel against this blatantly scary and confusing world and have joy anyways, just because they can. what wisdom do i have to obtain to freaking do that. who told them how it would all work out? nobody, and they still shout and dance anyways like they can never die or something. maybe one day i will take it for how it is and i will be okay with being a joyous person even if i do not know how everything works and why it is, but i know that i am not like that right now. not everything is terrifying like drawing and friends and tv but you have to think about all the things that arent art and friends and tv. i guess all im trying to say is that i understand how absolutely clueless i am of everything and that terrifies me. if i die without understanding everything that there is then that would mean i missed out somehow, but knowing everything is impossible, it just is. thats how evil this mind is, making me upset about something so impossible. i will just have to have joy anyways, thats all you can do in a twisted situation like this.

on a more important note i bit my nails and now theyre short again. i want to grow them a little longer but not too long and then maybe paint kitty cats on my nails. i like painted shorter nails and maybe medium acrylics but what i despise are those four inch themed acrylics. i saw a kid with a set at school and it was like "kawaii" themed with the pink bow charms and stuff yk what i mean and idk ig thats cute but idk how shes supposed to wipe her ass or play with her pubes also for a set like hers theyre expensive af. i do like how they look tho, just like not on people. idc. i will not bite my nails anymore i cannot.