I went home

On Saturday morning at half past ten I woke up, and despite having stayed up until 4:30am the night before, I decided I would hop in the smart car and drive the entire 2 hours of motorway back home. 

I just needed it. I just knew it was what I needed. I also told my parents I would probably come, and  so I just had this image of my mum cooking for me all afternoon so I have something to take home, and then me not showing up. I didn't want that. And I did want to see some people who actually really know me.

About 15 minutes in I took the wrong turn and began heading along the main road towards Sherburn village. I had to turn around in some muddy side road and half-decided I was gonna give up when my car began losing power up the hill going back up, but then instead of giving up I decided to just keep going and if it gets really bad THEN I'll turn back. 

It took me two and a half hours (my dad has managed it in 1hr 20mins before) to get home and I arrived at 2pm (my parents had told me to come at 10 at latest oops (no way I was gonna do that journey on 3hrs of sleep tho lmfao)) 

My dad was very happy to see me and more than anything I think happy to see I made the journey all by myself. My uncle Mark seemed to feel the same way, he messaged me this evening telling me that he's proud of me for making that joiurney there and back. Aw, shucks you guys X3

Home was home. It's never too nice; I think I'm actually lucky in that way. My paremts don't rlly put on any front for me or act like extra nice to me or anything like that - I come home and everyone and everything is more or less how it was two months ago; the house is humid from cooking, the dogs are restless from not walking, my mum's complaining about everything, my dad's telling her not to swear. It's almost bitter-sweet; it's very good to be back with my parents and my dogs and my sweet little room and the dead trees outside the window there. But at the same time it always reminds me of why I moved out in the first place. My mum said some mean things to me, my dad said some sexist things to her; the dogs wouldn't shut up and I got woken up at 8am after an evening out with Kate (went to sleep at 2) to go out through the living room window to unlock our jammed front door from the outside. Guys, focking let me be for like two minutes, ok??

I was thinking about this in the shower, actually - I don't think I like that household. I love my mum -  I love my dad - I love our dogs and cat and even the house itself is alright - but I don't like the atmosphere that's created when all those components are crammed up together in said small humid house. It's so stagnant. Morrisons and Polish shop with my mum? Great. Driving around with my dad? Lovely. Walking the dogs? Absolutely splendid and I missed it very much. But all of us in that house... oof. I framed it this way - and now I address you personally - I feel like it's a bit like if your parents were Polish Catholics who aren't allowed to get a divorce. And maybe moreso than that, they're just so crammed up and claustrophobuic. No broader family to turn to to get a break from one another, or from the dogs,or from the layout of our own living room. 

Deep sad rant over. It was very nice being home. I saw Kate and we went to NQ and had a very long very real conversation about ourselves and our degrees and our social lives and parents and Harry. She's like a little sister to me. We then went to Warehouse and drew each other's portraits. I felt recharged after being with her. Wish I could've seen Millie though. She was ill though. get well soon pookie :(

Demolition site! They're building something there. Motherfuckers. It's this weird lkittle small thing literally in the middle of the site. Like it's maybe the size of a shed. So weird. They've only just started - the walls are only 3 bricks tall. They've  had to push a load of rubble outof the way to do it, and they dumped a load of it against a wall which had some rlly cool grafitti on it (wtf guys). The crane they were using and which they left by their werid little germ of a building has already been tagged up. Heck yeah. I can't wait for that dumb little building to be covered in garffitti. Graffiti? Garfitti? hhohohohohohoh. No, garf would be too obvious. But I do wanna do something on it. I just hope they don't make the whole thing private property, because then there'll be no more dem ste graffitti. 

I have a 9am tomorrow and I don;t wanna be lalte to it hhghngggggggggggg I'm getting sick of myself being late to everything. I was late to church today. Twice. I don't even wanna get into it. 

It's 01:20. 

Goodnight.