atypical anorexia sucks bcs i won't even make me skinny (TW: ed)

(first of all sorry for posting so much vent texts abt my ed, i'm trying to get the fuck out of edtwt bcs people are too mean there and here is the only place i can really talk about that stuff 😭😭 again, sorry for my bad english i never really learned that language right tbh)

I just feel so stupid, i've been fucking up with my body and health for two fucking years and i was never able to be in a bmi lower enough to be underweight, i have all the illness and symptons people with anorexia nervosa get by being too being to thin while looking "healthy" it's horrible, i'm always cold, shaking, and tired, i can bearly sleep even with medication, i can't pay attention to anything, my hair is falling too much again even with me taking my vitamins and my nails just break all of the time making the flesh of my fingers exposed. I honestly would not be complaining if that stupid disorder at least made me super skinny but i still so big, i'm disgusted by my reflection. For some context i'm in a healthy bmi chart right now but i was almost morbidly obese my entire childhood, i never find out if have any conditions that makes me be unnable to be too skinny even literally starving myself like i'm doing right now bcs my family don't even have the money to take me to a doctor or something like that. I'm honestly so tired of everything, i just hate myself for be able to stay this huge by eating fucking 120 calories per day while working out for two solid hours everyday. My bones are getting weaker by the time and my internal organs started to torn apart but i won't seek recovery because i know i would just became bigger by doing that and i can't handle seeing my frame getting even larger, that would be the final trigger for me to just kill myself for being such a failure.