more awake inside of my dream

(was that really you next to me?)

Sometimes I'm in utter bliss. I have never... felt this wonderful in my life. I'm sorry that it had to be me that you have to deal with. I'm sorry for the person I am, I'm sure you expected something else. I'm sure that you hold an idealized version of me and sometimes it makes me so sick knowing that I am not as pure as you tell me I am. I need to repent. I need to do something. I need to confess my sins and repent for everything I have ever done. I need to cleanse myself completely; be as pure as you tell me I am. I'm supposed to be pure, I'm supposed to be a good person. I think I'm taking the steps to becoming the best person I can be, but it feels so hard. I'm tempted. I can't believe I was almost swayed by temptation, but you're helping me back to the right path. I don't know what I would do with myself if you didn't exist. I think I always knew that deep down in my heart I was being tested, to see if someone would lead me to sin. But you helped me see that I'm not a completely helpless soul, I can do better. I can be better, I can be the best self I could ever be. I feel like . I don;t know how I feel actually. I love and despise this. I know that I would usually "hate" this, and that I would be upset if anyone else told me that prior to meeting you. Now, I feel so happy with those words. Those are good words, they mean good things, that means I'm good. I'm a good person, I need to be a good person. I've been horrible, now I'm good. I'm a person people can be around, I am a person that someone can rely on, I am. a person . who can have good things.

Seeing my past writing on myself, those are my words. My views of myself. Cruel words about my body, about my mind, about my soul. How that I deserved what happens to me because I'm a sick and demented individual, that people will save me, or I can become a martyr and save them, and that salvation must hurt. that true friendships are cruel because if they really loved you, they would tell you that you're a horrible person and that you shouldn't be around people because all you will ever do is makepeople worse, and that you Need To Be Confined And Locked Away so that everyone can live safely. But, your words struck me in a way I didn't know I needed to be struck by. 

Did you really mean it, that my joy made you smile? Is this what a true friendship is? It's hard to wrap my head around the concept of empathy after going most of my life without needing to feel it at all. Sometimes it hurts, because you're hurt. But sometimes it feels nice, because you're nice. When I first felt empathy, I felt. So heavy hearted. I was confused, I was unsure why I felt that way towards you, because you're just some stranger who liked my art. But we became mutuals, and then my heart felt heavier. I couldn't bare seeing your words, I couldn't bare thinking about the things that happened to you. It's cruel, how bad things happen to good people like you. You're a nice person. I like nice, I like  your friendship the most. Even if we only met little than a month ago, I value friendship a lot now. You taught me  a lot of things, and I don't know how to repay you. I told my friends I loved them, truly, for the first time, because you gave me a reason to value them. Maybe my friend is right, you were sent by god to help me. I can't thank the both of you enough, I hope the lord repays you in ways I can not.