16?11?24 14:51pm

idk

its out my mind now

its like feeling an intense feeling, in your head and in your heart its heavy but heavy like something is sitting on you, and youre a bit scared, its sinking

and you know it well, but this time you just don't know how to get it out of you in words, its on the tip of your tongue though

something is definitely bothering you, and you know what it is but maybe your digesting it and accepting it, thats why it feels complicated

its probably the same thing from years ago, it goes away but it comes back in a different form, the context and reason will change but its the same pain being reused, first for being violated and then for losing loved ones, then for not being a good person, etc?

its the same pain finding a new reason to come back to you, you will label each event its own pain so you recognize which one youre currently feeling but soon and sometimes you don't realize when those boundaries blur and its all just one big pain

And now, you don't know why your sad

trying to remember why, it becomes brighter outside

Ive only adapted and gotten used to it, not changed and i am still the horrible person i was. Im living ignorantly and i probably still hurt people without realizing. Why do i realize things when its too late? Im too afraid, i dont overthink anymore i just let whatever happens, happen. Like everything else, ill get over it. I wish i learnt to live like that sooner, its more peaceful. Im not saying ideas dont come in my head anymore, they do, theyre just not worth thinking about though. They appear and then disappear just as they appeared. It most likely wont happen, and if it does ill deal with it. Its all about likelihood. If i learnt that sooner, i couldve avoided a lot of crying. I had to upgrade my inhaler because for two seconds (it felt like more) i couldnt breathe. It just burns my oesophagus, it made me sick. I couldve been healthy, but its all my fault. I cried so much, I couldve used that time to do something i like instead. i just wasted my time and everyone else's time. Being insecure is such a joke

But ill always be afraid, that im still the same. That i still hurt people. I still dont understand. I still am a loser like person. Im still mean and horrible. People maybe still get exhausted talking to me. Arguing with me is tiring. Talking to me is like walking on broken egg shells. I wasnt right, people just gave up. I didnt mean to hurt anyone. I didnt mean to take even a second of space in anyones feelings. I didnt know i was so mean. And now i cant stop questioning every single thing i do or say in case it hurts someone. 

i always did what i thought was right, i did everything to save myself from hurting again and ironically those strategies ended up hurting me more. I never wanted it to hurt anyone. I dont know how i couldnt understand, i maybe had cotton on my eyes and in my ears too. It was right in front of me, and in my hands, and i let it go myself. 

You dont have to do anything sometimes. Just doing nothing and chilling is enough, you dont have to work so hard all the time. Im so scared ill hurt someone again. I dont want to make anybody's heart heavy,,,

why didnt i do the right thing?