Thoughts on Yelling at Others

I've mentioned before that I'm relatively soft-spoken, and I don't like raising my voice. I can yell, holler, and shout out of excitement (from gaming wit da boyz) or necessity to grab someone's attention from afar.

I've also mentioned how I prefer not to raise my voice: even when I can shout at someone, I would much rather prefer to speed on over to them and say what I wanted to say even if it were a short thought. I prefer not to strain myself (physically or emotionally), and it could be a testament to my usual gentleness and preferred modes of communication.

That said, I rarely ever reprimand a person with loud terror. It is so rare that I've only done so only three times in my twenty-four years of living: the first time more than 6 years ago, but the second and third a few weeks ago nearly back-to-back.

Of course, I get angry and frustrated like everyone, but my methods of resolution is primarily gentle and quiet, and I don't usually explode on others...

==

I must confess how much I dislike angrily yelling at a person, regardless of whether they "deserve" it. I'll omit the details on the situations, but I will include that it exhausted me so bad, it shook me up so bad, my body and my voice trembled both during and after the fact. 

>>The second and third time, I knocked loudly on a door and shouted a name to end an escalating, if not already escalated, argument between two persons (not including me).

It made me wanna cry both in the moment and even more afterwards when I was by myself. I even felt a compulsion to make a prayer and ask for forgiveness from God, because what I did and how I acted felt so divinely against my nature -- who I am and how I conduct things -- that I sought absolution for it: forgive me for being mean, forgive me for using my power and strength to frighten someone else, forgive me for using the privilege I have as a person to enact terror on others.

(For context: I don't ever participate in religion except going to church with the fam and praying the rosary if I'm around. You guys should see me pray the rosary -- I learned all the lines through repetition, yet I've never read the necessary books for it! Also, I really like some of those Catholic songs they sing and the hymns they say; it's catchy! Agnus dei qui tollis peccata mundi,,, misere nobis... ! I can't translate that off the top of my head tho...)

It made me wanna ugly sob. That isn't who I want to be. I felt so ashamed. It was so uncharacteristically me that it felt EVIL, like I accessed a part of myself that exists solely as the antithesis of who I am and is, therefore, EVIL. Even writing this now and thinking back on it, I feel myself trembling/shivering and my eyes water a little.

I don't know how people do it... Kudos to those who can be mean when necessary against aggressors. My heart and spirit are sensitive to it. Being actually angry at someone else, even for that small moment, is enough for me to seek religious salvation bruh. My ass is a lover, not a fighter =3=

what would spider-man say...