on running away

I think about running away a lot. not in your typical sense- i'm an adult, i could technically go where ever i want. but i've got things i have to take care of, particularly three cats and i've got my name on an apartment until summer 2025. it's not even related to the fact that my current living situation involves me having to hide in my room if my roommate is home, or the fact that i've learned most of the people in my life have been lying to me for four years, or anything like that.

i mean, that's totally part of it. but it's not the bigger picture. the truth is i've been a hermit my whole life. at first it was because leaving my room wasn't safe. i grew up in dangerous households, so hiding away in my room was the best way to make sure i wouldn't get hurt, among other things. now it's a habit, a constant fear regardless of how safe i am. and i don't wanna live like that anymore.

i wanna go outside. i wanna see places, not just around where i live, but everywhere. i just want to be out, free. i wanna explore the world. i always find reasons not to, though. things are getting pretty unsafe anyways, and i'm not exactly someone who knows a whole lot about self defense.

and i've got three cats. i love them to pieces, but sometimes i wish i didn't have them. i would've taken off a long time ago if i didn't. cats just aren't great for travel and three of them, cramped into a vehicle i could afford? it just wouldn't be fair to them. i raised them from kittens, though, and outside of my own attachments, it hurts to think how they would feel about parting with me. i know animals are different and they'd probably adjust, but i don't know. it still makes me feel sad.

maybe one day i'll run away. it'd be nice to. anyway im done here. dirtgrub out