mother (vent)

You say you love me when you want me to stop crying like a child in front of everyone, but i just cry harder everytime you do this. How is it possible to love someone who you hate everything about? How is possible to look a person you love in the eyes so disgusted and angry like you look on mine? I break every bone and muscle in my body everyday trying to mimic the the girl you expect to me but it don't seen to be enough for you. I give you blood and beg for you to be treated and loved like them but i'll never be good enough for you no matter how much effort i put just to exist just for your approval, and can't just force you to like me. It just hurt so much having to be a thousand times better than everyone just for you to treat me like i'm even someone. You hurt me at every chance you have to do it, always making excuses to be mean to me when i'm just trying to survive, always saying how i'm dramatic, saying that you just want to help me, but what the fuck i can do to change things about me that can't be changed, like my feelings or thighs?  I'll always be haunted by your criticism and your constant anger, while trying to make me "stronger" you only made me more weak, i'm so afraid of letting anyone see me or treat me how you do that i can no longer sleep in peace, i'm always causing harm to myself searching for the love you never gave me in others, trying to be perfect starving myself just to get compliments of people i've never seen. I hope someday they all see how bad you were to me, i just can't handle seeing how they all see you as a perfect angel that couldn't even harm a bee. I wish i had the chance to meet the "you" they talk so good of, the caring mother you were to my brothers but not to me and my sis.