does my therapist even believe me?

i know, i know. this whole ass blog at this point is just me venting. but i swear next year, if things get better then i wont ventpost as much anymore.

anyway

so if you read my last post, youll know my mother tried guilt tripping me into thinking i tried seriously hurting her and that was the permanent nail in the coffin of our relationship. at least on my end. and i thought everything she said was wild, because it was. a little bit ago i told my friend  about what was happening as of recent. i told him about her guilt tripping me and he replied "shes trying to guilt you. thats what my grandmother does to my mother". so that made me feel glad that ya know.. im not insane for feeling like nothings gonna change.

with narcissists, there is no point trying to change them. (sorry if you have npd and yourre a normal person, im not talking about you)

im not and i never will waste my time with those types of people. even if they are my family. i dont care. im not getting hurt ever again for trying to fix things. but i waited like, 3 days for my appointment with her. and when i explained everything she just said this.

"i just feel like... theres a missing link between you two. is sounds like she... brings out her care with anger. but maybe if we sat down and explained everything and let her understand how you feel more then things would change! didnt your (previous psych) talk to your mother?  have you heard of family therapy? wouldnt you wanna try that?"

no. i dont. i... really dont. i think, and this is probably why i dont tell people this in particular in relation to the idea i dont want to try and change things.

i want my mother to be a bad person, at this point. i just wish she would be bad to someone else. because if she suddenly started loving me i feel like id feel awful and confused. i doubt shell do something like that, even if my therapists explain everything. like ive said a million times itll just turn into something else. IT WILL. i dont care if someone asks me if i "actually know that", i KNOW my mother! she will do that.

and again. im not going to bother wasting time and feelings getting hurt over people who refuse to get better and to listen to people. im not making the same mistake my mother did with her father, and im not going to ignore it for her sake in the same way my dad does.

and one of my friends who ive also explained everything to sometimes says "well, i dont know if your mothers a narcissist. i hope you and her can have a better relationship some day. im sure something like that could happen" and i know her intentions are fine but i really dont believe thats ever going to happen and the best thing for me to do is to just move on and dont bother fixing her.

im just tired. i dont want her to know anything about me because i feel like shes going to use it against me, and i dont want people telling me i have to put my feelings and vulnerability on the line for the sake of trying to change things to make my life better. 

fuck my life man, lol