i see no meaning in life if can't be pretty

(tw: eating disorders) vent again bcs i'm dramatic and fucked up

I know i'm very superficial, i don't need any reminder of that. I hate living in this disgusting body so fucking much, i hate all of my extra skin, my fat thighs and stomach, my huge arms etc, everything in my body is so grotesque. I still fell like the obese girl i was, i weight 124lbs/56kg now but i somehow still so fucking huge, i don't even think my struggles are valid bcs even after losing an alarming amount of weight i just went from extreme obese to a avarege chubby person, i'm so incompetent that i wasn't even able to become underweight. I'm restricting so much and doing so much exercise but my weight just refuses to go down. I'm so tired of everything, none of the other things in my life matter to me tbh, everything was always so messy and i gave up trying to be truly happy a long time ago, is it to much to ask to have one good thing in my life?? I just wanna feel good in my body, i just need to be thin.

I tried therapy, medication, every kind of alternative treatment you can think of but those thoughts never go away. Honestly i don't plan on living too much, i'm chronically ill, i don't have anyone who really cares about me or even motivation to just live or simply get out of my bed everyday, dying from a eating disorder at my goal weight would be very satisfatory for me.